


Cognitive Dissonance

by breatherepeat



Series: Human [1]
Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Developing Relationship, M/M, Medical Conditions, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexual Content, Sexuality Crisis, Touring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2020-12-07 19:27:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 39,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20981132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breatherepeat/pseuds/breatherepeat
Summary: Thoughts are confusing. It is hard to piece it all together.While on tour in 2015, Dan starts having conflicting thoughts about his sexuality and relationship with Kyle. After his body makes everything shut down, Dan begins the healing process - both physically and mentally.





	1. Chapter 1

His hands were rough against his skin.

Rough, strong hands that knew where to press and how much pressure was needed to make it good. Strong hands that were attached to a lean body that had defined muscles, with his upper arm muscle flexing each time he squeezed and pressed down against him just right.

They were in the back area of the bar, beyond where the toilets were and not many people would care to venture to because there was no music and no alcohol back there. It was dark and cold, with only a dim light halfway down the hallway proving some light to see the muscle as it flexed.

Dan’s eyes were drawn to the muscle for something to focus on. With the man’s lips on his neck and his hot breath making him shiver when the cold air replaced the warm breath. They didn’t kiss, it seemed too intimate.

The friction between their bodies was warm, with the man only half unzipping his trousers before his hand was fully inside his pants. It didn’t leave him with much room to move his hand, but he was a man on a mission and it was good.

Dan’s one hand was gripping the arm that was not flexing and the other laid limp at his side.

The man’s name was Jim. Or John. Maybe it was Joseph. It could even be Jay.

Jay had been watching him for the past hour, with their eyes catching as Dan drank with his mates. It was an off day from the tour, with the band and crew venturing out into the Portuguese culture to explore the sights. Most of the crew had retired to their rooms, and Dan had agreed to leave with his band mates once he used the toilet.

He wasn’t drunk but he had a pleasant buzz and it numbed the voice in his head that told him this was wrong. It numbed the thought that they were essentially out in the open and anyone could walk by with a mobile phone and take a picture of a man with his hand down the vocalist’s pants.

But it was late in the night and they were in a different country, and it had been months since his last failed attempt.

The last guy was too young and too intoxicated to pay attention to the fact that Dan was pushing him away rather than pulling him in closer. There was a language barrier between them that did not help the fact that both were drunk and uncoordinated in their movement. The young man got off quickly and then slumped his full body weight against Dan’s body. Thankfully, he was smaller than him and drunk enough that his body was loose. Dan ran back to the bus and tried not to think about the fact that he had a stain on his trousers that was not his own. The trousers were hidden in the laundry pile and only Will gave him a sideways look as he jumped onto the bus and quickly retreated to his bunk.

Before then, it had been close to a year. And before that, three years. And even before that, he was in uni and there were people willing to explore unspoken thoughts and never speak of it again.

The pull was getting harder to ignore with each year. With each relationship the other band mates found themselves in. It emphasized how lonely he was every time he watched his friend’s eyes light up when their significant other joined the tour for a few days, or even when they were sitting around texting and Facetiming their loved ones.

The others were looking forward to engagements and children, with Dan left with only his thoughts and the constant words running through his head. One of his greatest fears was that they would all abandon him to live their separate lives. He was the driving force behind the band, but the only way it worked was as a group.

The dread and constant way his body betrayed him while he thought about performing on stage would never allow him to do this without them.

He would be behind the scenes without them. Left to write and produce for others, but never for himself.

Or, he would allow it all to go away and he would force his attention on something that didn’t require an audience.

Jay’s hand was moving a bit too frantic and it was starting to hurt him. The pleasant chemicals leaving his brain as he got stuck on the thoughts of his life all going away and Dan felt even more alone.

“Can you stop, please?” Dan struggled to get the words out. It was all too much all of a sudden and he felt like he would be sick. There was a tight feeling in his chest that felt just like before he would go on stage, yet there was not a sick bucket around to keep the waste contained if needed.

“No good?” Jay said after a few seconds, his drunk brain translating his words slowly. He stepped back as he asked the question yet kept his hand in Dan’s pants, gripping him slightly.

His eyes were brown and he had dark lashes, complimenting his rich brown skin. He was gorgeous, even with his eyes bloodshot as he looked back in confusion.

“No. I just need to get back to my mates.” Dan pulled the other’s hand out of his pants and zipped himself up. “We were leaving and I don’t want to be left behind.”

His heart was beating fast and he could feel it pounding in his throat, with his breath getting shallower. He needed to leave and quickly if he didn’t want to completely embarrass himself.

“I call you?” Jay’s accent was thick and it was hard to hear with the loud pounding in his ears as the chemicals responded to the perceived threat in front of him.

“Leaving tomorrow, mate.” Dan choked out before dropping his gaze and turning back toward the toilets to get back to the main area of the bar.

Kyle and Woody were still waiting for him, Kyle was looking around the bar tiredly and Woody was scrolling through his phone. Will might be outside. He hated waiting with nothing to do.

“Everything alright, mate?” Kyle asked as he saw the telltale sign of anxiety on Dan’s face. Being constantly around one another allowed them to learn all their tells. But it didn’t take the band long to learn that look on Dan’s face meant he was panicking.

“Fine. Can we go?” Dan nodded yet kept his eyes down, his hands trembling as he stood. “Will outside?”

“Yeah.” Woody looked up from his phone and frowned seeing the sight of Dan in front of them. “Look like shit, mate.”

“It’s late and I’m tired.” Dan ignored their concern and turned to leave without waiting to see if they were following them.

Will was leaning against the wall of the building and didn’t acknowledge him as he quickly walked past him. His long legs allowing him to move swiftly in the direction of the hotel. They had walked and he was looking forward to lying on the bed and not moving for the next few hours.

The beating in his throat was getting itself under control and the walking helped him concentrate on his breathing.

One foot down and the other up, breathe in. Another foot down and the other one up, let the breath out. The rhythm of his feet against the pavement took over his head and he allowed the voices to quiet themselves.

“Dan!” He heard from behind him. The others were standing in front of the hotel and watching him as he realized he went too far.

“Thanks.” Dan followed them into the hotel and then up to the floor where they had their rooms. He nodded his good nights to the rest and locked the door behind him.

Kicking off his shoes and throwing his jacket off toward the direction of his shoes, Dan went into the bathroom and turned on the light.

His eyes were wide, his pupils still dilated from either the good chemicals or the bad chemicals racing through his head.

His hair was a mess, with most of it pushed back and away from his face. There was a few strands trying to fall down into his face that he brushed away with his still trembling hand.

Balling up his hands, Dan leaned his head to the side to see if the man left a mark on his neck. There was a faint red mark that might progress into something more noticeable by tomorrow morning.

The bright light of the room flushed out his skin, making him even paler than he was. It make his skin look like he was ill.

Maybe he was.

It would be easier if he didn’t have to fight off the urges.

Easier if the thoughts didn’t take over his mind at times.

If he just allowed himself to give into them.

Fully allowed himself.

But, there was no time for that.

And he was not brave enough to face those demons yet.

Turning off the light with his still balled up fist, not trusting the trembling to go away without the pressure on his fingers, Dan found his bed in the dark and fell down into it. Turning to lay on his back, he squeezed his fists tighter.

It was softer than the bus bunk. If his brain wasn’t messed up, he would be able to appreciate having the extra space to spread out.

But there was not the hum of the wheels going down the road to drown out the sound in his head.

He could still feel the man’s hand on him.

And this warm breath on his neck.

He remembered the first time it happened.

He was in secondary school and he snuck out of his house to hang out with his mates.

There was spirits and a lot of a laughter.

Another boy joined them. A mate of a mate.

He had pretty lips that he couldn’t help but stare at until he was caught. But the boy smiled and kept moving closer as the night went on.

They stayed behind as everyone left, with the pairing stumbling down the road.

The boy pulled him into a park and they sat staring at one another on a bench until one of the moved. Dan couldn’t remember which one was the braver one, but it didn’t matter.

His lips were chapped and his breath smelled of alcohol. Neither of them really knew what they were doing but it felt nice.

And then he was gone. Returning back from visiting with his mate.

Dan didn’t dare act on those thoughts again until university.

He knew more of what he was doing by then, but it was just as nerve-racking and exciting.

After he went too far with one of the men, he distanced himself from those thoughts.

His family wouldn’t approve and society wouldn’t approve.

Anyway, they were just fleeting thoughts.

Nothing he needed to act on.

Until he did and he remembered how nice it was to have a strong hand on him. To have strong lips on him and a body weight that could push him back.

But he didn’t allow myself to act on it because it was wrong and it wasn’t him.

It was just that everything felt like it was changing and he didn’t like change.

It was only because he was lonely.

He didn’t need it.

Sitting up, he turned the light and reached for his laptop.

Sleep wasn’t going to come so he tried to distract himself with something else.

Since he couldn’t distract himself with someone else.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the middle of the US, Dan meets a man that helps him sort out some of the thoughts in his head.

2015

As most of their scheduled stops went, it was a mad dash to the toilets and the refreshments. The stop was supposed to have been in a different city, but there was construction preventing the buses from turning into the rest area. It was decided to stay on the road and go further toward their next tour date. Therefore, instead of stopping at midnight, they were stopping closer to 2 am.

They did not have a show that night and were on a long haul to the next destination in the US. The majority of people went to bed and were not interested in stopping once the time was moved back two hours.

There were only a handful that rushed off the bus. Kyle and Will were waiting for the toilet and their sound tech was seeking more snacks to add to the large collection on the bus.

Dan kept his hood covering his head and walked around the rest area to stretch his legs. The bunks were not made for anyone over 1.82m and they could not afford the nicer buses with the bigger bunks. It was nice to stretch and move around on solid ground.

His thoughts were messy that night. Half were lyrics and melodies. A quarter were thoughts he did not want to think. And another quarter were how to manage the thoughts he did not want to think.

Reaching the end of the designated parking area for large vehicles, Dan stopped with his hands in the pouch of his hoody and looked up into the sky. It was a clear night and they were in the middle of almost nowhere according to the map on the bus. 

The stars were bright and the moon half full. There was a metaphor or a lyric in the sky somewhere, but his brain couldn't process it.

He was exhausted.

Downtime for everyone else meant that they had finished their respective jobs and could engage in something that would relax them, or stimulate them in different ways. 

Downtime for him was just another time to work. There was not a push from the record company just yet, but new music was expected per their contract. Unlike their first album, there were expectations for this one. People were interested in new music and he was needed for that new music.

He couldn't do this without the band, but the band would not exist without him. Woody jokingly asked if he had life insurance once, but it was a real thing. Without him, no one had a job.

Only a little bit of pressure.

He typically could handle it well. He loved his job, if you could even label it that. He got paid to do what he loved. Sure, he would have a drink here and maybe a few more there. Hang out with his mates on the road to distract himself at times. Text his mates back home for a sense of normality. Ring his parents and family to hear their voices. And occasionally, have a little hazy trip to another world. 

They were not a party band. Most bands did not have the money to be party bands anymore. While drugs and alcohol could still be found on the tour circuit, most people that fell for their charms quickly exited the business. There were too many willing people to take your place on the charts if you were checking out too much.

His nerves were typically decent as well. It was only when he was on stage and did not have a way to release the anxiety. And, currently, when he was thinking about the thoughts that kept creeping into his consciousness.

His hands were trembling in his pouch and the cool night breeze was not the cause.

Taking in a deep breath of clean air, he closed his eyes as he slowly let the air leave his lungs. Google was great for relaxation techniques. Breath control was part of singing and his lung capacity had increased since they first began touring years ago. Breathing techniques were his comfort zone. The muscle relaxation ones were still ones he needed to practice more.

The only muscle relaxation technique that was working currently was squeezing his fists tight until he couldn't feel his fingers anymore. And then releasing them to start the process again.

He squeezed his fists as he took in another deep breath and then released it even slower than before. His nails were digging into the palms of his hands, but it was alright. It was enough to stop the trembling at the moment. Taking in another deep breath, he slowly let it out as he walked back to the bus. He needed to head back before they left without him.

It had almost happened more than once before. Time was a made up concept and he did not always support the notion that he needed to be a slave to a device. Each time it had happened before, the bus head count identified that there was a missing person. And he would receive around ten text messages from various people telling him to get on the bus.

As he walked back to the bus, he reached for his phone in his front pocket and found that it was not there. It was his second phone given to him on the trip. The first phone that had US service was lost somewhere between New York and Ohio. This one had been with him for the past few weeks and was already full with thoughts, lyrics, melodies, and rhythms. His personal phone was locked up on the bus, waiting for when he returned home.

Mentally kicking himself for misplacing another phone, he hoped that it was still in his bunk and he did not have to have another conversation with a record executive that thought he was just another punk kid losing a phone because he was not responsible.

Raising his head once he noticed the large oil stain on the ground next to an old van, he stepped over the kerb and walked through the lawn to the large vehicle parking area on the other side of the lawn where the bus had been. Had been and was now no longer there. There were a few lorries and other larger vehicles, but no tour bus. 

Maybe it was a joke. Payback for making people wait for him all those other times. He looked around the car park and around where the doors were to the building. It was dark but the lights scattered about the car park allowed him to see the full rest area around him. He could see enough that if there was a bus, he would be able to see it.

Sitting down on the kerb near where the bus once sat, he tucked his knees underneath the hoody and rested his chin on his now covered knees. They would come back.

Even if it was not a prank, someone would notice he was not in his bunk and return for him. Hopefully, soon.

There had been a few people moving around the rest area, but the majority looked to be in their lorries for the evening. There had been a younger woman with a crying toddler rushing into the toilet area of the building a few minutes ago, but she had left in her vehicle soon afterward. There had also been a tired looking older man walking out from the vending stations, but he left quickly once he had his snack.

The night was eerily quiet, with only the faint sounds of the traffic moving down the road.

There was a clock on the building that now read 3:07 and still no sign of his bus. Maybe they had really forgotten him. There was no way they could get this far off schedule without having major tour heads shouting at them for being irresponsible. Time might be a made up concept but it was very real when it was attached to money.

"Bus left about 30 minutes ago."

Dan heard an American accent behind him breaking him from his internal panic. He was going to be in trouble for this. Or someone else was going to be in trouble and it did not look good either way.

"Hey, you hear me? The bus left. Three men, one was quite tall, ran onto the bus and left around 30 minutes ago. If you are waiting for them, you should give them a call."

The man walked closer to Dan so he stood in front of him.

"Mobile is on the bus." Dan sighed as he stood to his full height. The man appeared to be around his age but he was in the middle of nowhere with no money and no way to contact anymore. He was a sitting duck as it were and he did not want to appear like he could be taken advantage of due to his vulnerability. At least his height would give him some advantage over the man. 

"Know any numbers off the phone?" The man asked as he reached for his own phone. Maybe he was one of those kind strangers you found in the middle of nowhere in a rest area with limited people. Every film he had ever watched had taught him the exact opposite of that thought.

"No, mate." Dan shook his head and rubbed his forehead and then brushed his hand through his hair, pushing down the hood in the process. His hair was likely a mess. He had been lying in his bunk reading before they stopped. "It is a US phone filled with US numbers. I know my parents' number, but you don't want the international charges."

"Think they will come back for you?" The man looked concerned for him and it put the serial killer thoughts to rest. Serial killers typically did not show concern for their victims, right? He was a bit shorter than Dan, and had curly brown hair that rested around his ears.

He was fit.

If Dan had those thoughts, that is.

"Maybe?" Dan laughed at the situation. He was fucked. "Eventually, they might realize I'm not with them when they pull into the next venue."

"You a major part of the show?" The man smiled at him. Maybe he was a serial killer. Serial killers had charming smiles. And were typically fit, put together men who were in his age demographic. 

"Not really, but without me, there are going to be a lot of stroppy people. Scary men in suits might shout at me." Dan bit the inside of his lip and then looked around him again. There was no where to wait, with the rest area not looking to have long term guests without their own beds.

"We could call the police? They might be able to track down the bus for you?" The man stood thinking for a few seconds before providing a solution. He had ran his hand through his hair and the curls bounced around his head to the same position they were in before. His hair looked soft. 

"How embarrassing will that be?" Dan shook his head and rubbed at his forehead. He could only imagine the old bus driver trying to out chase the police sirens. He might even cause an accident. Bus drivers in general were a mad lot, especially in the US as they had found over the years. 

"Might be your only option though. What is worse? Being yelled at by the men in suits, and potentially being fired? Or being embarrassed because the police had to stop your bus?"

"I don't even know what number to use." Dan looked up from staring at his old trainers and saw the man was already putting numbers into the phone. Thankfully, he also started explaining the situation to whoever answered the phone. Dan knew he would be at a loss for words to even describe where they were at the moment. 

The man gave the basic description of the bus and then asked Dan if there was anything he missed.

"Bus driver is a bit eccentric? Might think the government is after him and might literally try to out run them if he sees sirens." Dan's face was serious and he hoped the man understood that he was not joking.

"Heads up, bus driver might not understand what is going on. Be gentle with him." The man gave the person on the line more information about the rest area and then he hung up the phone. "Said they normally don't play 'hide and seek' with tour buses, but they are having a slow night. They put an alert out to the highway patrol and if one of them sees the bus with your description, they will stop it or try to radio it."

"Thank you." Dan smiled as he shook out his hair and then sat back down on the kerb to wait. "I feel like a massive idiot right now."

"No problem." The man hesitated for a minute and then sat down next to him, leaving enough space so that it wasn't too awkward. "My name is Jeremy. I drive that beat up van over there. I'm not sure where I'm going but I'm glad I stopped at this rest area. I drive a van but I'm not a creepier, promise."

"If you really were a creepier, would you tell me?" Dan laughed to himself as he turned toward the man. Up close, he saw that he had rich blue eyes and a few scattered freckles along his nose.

"Like a cop, I have to say if I am if I'm asked." Jeremy smiled back. He had a good smile. Good American teeth. 

"Is that a thing here?"

"Yup. Ain't nothing more American than getting away with a crime on a technicality." Jeremy's smile increased making his eyes wrinkle a bit with the movement. "But, not a creepier. Promise on my mother's grave."

"That must be bad luck to lie about, right?" Dan smiled and then turned his head toward a noise off in the distance. It sounded like a hurt animal.

"Probably a coyote. They like to lure you in with the helpless act and then their whole pack surrounds you." Jeremy waited for Dan to turn his head back towards him. "Are you a coyote? Can I trust you? Maybe this is a long con to kidnap me?"

"Would I have let you ring the police if I was going to kidnap you?" Dan dropped his smile in mock seriousness. Dammit, he was flirting with him. And he was being flirted with back. 

"Probably not. I don't know with you Brits though. Might still be mad you lost the war."

"Yes. I came to your country to settle a battle lost hundreds of years ago." Dan answered back just as sarcastically. "You found me out." 

"Good point." Jeremy nodded his head and then looked toward his van. "Would it be creepier-ish if I invited you into my van? We can sit out here, but my ass is going numb and I have food in the van. Candy too, but I promise it is only because I have a sweet tooth. Not to lure in prey."

"This is sounding more and more like a plot to a slasher film by the minute." Dan looked toward the van as his stomach betrayed him and made a loud noise. He could eat something. "What kind of sweets? Your chocolate is disgusting."

"Good stuff." Jeremy stood and waited for Dan to follow his lead. "My last name is not Hersey or Mars, so you cannot blame me for the chocolate crisis."

The van was quite old, with Jeremy having to open the passenger door from inside the vehicle. Dan avoided the oil spill as he stepped into the van. The seats were comfortable and the sweets were not horrible. Not like what he was used to, but bearable. And free. 

"So who should I send word to if you are not to make it out of this van?" Jeremy said with a smirk on his face. "Might want to give me your parents' number in London just in case. I've never called international before. It is exciting."

"One, you are not even funny. Two, how did you know it would be London?" Dan rolled up a sweets wrapper and placed it into the bag Jeremy had been using for his trash.

His stomach was feeling uneasy so he stopped eating. It might be the sweets or that he was sitting in a vehicle with a very attractive man that appeared at least somewhat interested in him.

Or that he was still likely to be shouted at for being left behind at the rest area. The show would have to be delayed, if not cancelled depending on when they realized he was not on the bus and how quick he could get back to them. 

People would be cross. Fans would be upset.

"Worried about getting in trouble?" Jeremy broke his thoughts. His eyes were kind, with the lights coming in from the car park making his eyes sparkle in contrast with the dim lighting inside the van.

"Yes. We are still a new...crew." Dan did not know why he didn't say band. It would be stupid to think the guy even knew who they were, let alone care. His PR training did not tell him how to respond to this specific situation, but he figured limited information was the best. "I need this gig or I will have a lot of people disappointed in me." 

"I'm sure it has happened before? Maybe not to your group, but others? I doubt the band is that much of dicks to fire you over this? If anything, you should sue them for basically abandoning you to the wilderness. It is a wild world out here, who knows who could have found you if I was not around?" Jeremy laid his hand on Dan's forearm as if to emphasize his point or show Dan his interest.

"It is very American to sue." Dan looked toward the hand on his forearm and forgot what else he wanted to say. He had nice hands. Large hands that would look good on him. 

"If you don't make things right, who will?" Jeremy leaned in a bit closer and waited in invitation.

Leaning in just enough to smell the sweet hint of chocolate on his breath, Dan told the voices in his head to take a break. 

Before he could lean in closer, bright headlights distracted him and he looked toward the entrance to the rest area to see his bus pulling into the car park. He opened the door and then ran out across the lawn, not wanting to be left behind again if they did not see him outside waiting.

Raising his arms and jumping up and down, Dan shouted out into the night as the bus pulled in closer to him. He only stopped jumping when the bus came to a stop in the same place it had been before he was left behind.

"Are you a stupid prat or what?" Kyle shouted at him as the doors opened and he walked out into the night. He was wearing his night clothes but had put on a hoody similar to the one Dan was wearing. "How many times do we have to tell you to be mindful of the time? If Woody didn't need to ask you a question, we wouldn't have saw that you were not on the bus and your ass would still be left here."

"I walked away for a minute and came back to find you gone!" Dan shouted back in disbelief that they had returned so quickly. "Why didn't you see I was missing with the head count?"

"That is my fault." Will answered stepping off the bus, also dressed in his night clothes but without the hoody. "I didn't see you leave your bunk so I thought you were still here. I gave the wrong count for our area. We tried to ring you once we saw that you were not on the bus, but then we just heard your bunk ringing."

"Thank God for Jeremy. He rang the police for me." Dan watched as Woody and the few other members of the crew got off the bus to stare at him. He could feel his face getting red with all the attention placed on him. Everyone looked knackered and a bit upset but also glad that he was found. 

"You called the police?" The bus driver asked from behind the group as he stood on the stairs.

"Yeah. Jeremy did. I didn't have my mobile." Dan turned to Jeremy to introduce the kind man to the group.

Jeremy was not behind him and the van was gone. Walking across the lawn to the other side, Dan saw that the oil stain that was next to the vehicle was not there neither. 

"What are you on about?" Kyle walked closer to Dan and looked to where he was staring at. "You lose something?"

"There was a van here. It was leaking oil. It was right here!" Dan pointed to the ground and then looked around the car park to see if he had moved. "Jeremy rang the police and gave me American sweets while we waited in his van."

"You are a stupid prat then. You want to be murdered? This is my retirement plan, mate. We need you to keep this gig." Woody shouted at him.

"No, it wasn't like that." Dan looked back to the band and found many concerned eyes looking back at him. The crew had returned to the bus. "I thought the same thing at first, but he was nice. He waited with me." 

Kyle laughed looking toward the rest area building. On the side next to the other adverts, was a young man with curly brown hair standing next to a broken down van with an oil spill. The poster read, "Need assistance? 24/7 service." Underneath the man was a phone number for assistance. 

"The van look like that?" Kyle pointed to the poster and waited as Dan turned to look at the poster.

The man on the poster was the same man that had helped him. Jeremy was pictured with the same kind eyes and warm smile. The van next to him was the same broken down van that he sat in while he waited. Underneath the poster, laying on the ground were sweet wrappers. 

"But it was real." Dan felt his stomach sink. "He was real."

He almost said he was going to kiss him, and had felt his warm breath on his lips before he noticed the headlights of the bus. But he stopped himself because the band didn't know about that side of him.

"Hate to break up this seance, but we are late and getting later by the minute." The bus driver called out to them from the bus stairs. "It is not going to be my ass that you don't know how to kept track of your litter of pups."

The band followed each other back onto the bus and to their respective bunks. No one said a word to one another.

Laying back in his bunk, Dan reached for his phone and saw a few missed messages. Most were from the band or crew asking where he was.

One was an unknown number.

_Always fight for what you need. Never trust this wild world to give it to you. Tune out the negative voices in your head. Take a chance. Be brave._

"Fuck." Dan read the message again and opened his bunk curtain to call out to Kyle across from him.

"It is close to 4 am and we just found your stupid ass, what is it now?" Kyle said without malice in his voice. He just seemed tired and somewhat annoyed that he still was not asleep.

"I have a text from him." Dan turned his phone so the screen was facing Kyle, his long arm extended out across the hallway. "From Jeremy. See."

"Mate, that is from me." Kyle laughed and turned away shutting the curtain. "Goodnight, nutter."

Turning the screen back to face him, Dan saw the message from Kyle on the phone. Bringing his arm back to him and clicking back to the list of messages, he saw there was only known numbers listed. The message was not in his deleted messages either.

The unknown message was gone.

Taking a deep breath, Dan turned off his bunk light and laid staring at the ceiling.

He was real. He was sure of it.

After a few minutes, he knew sleep was not going to find him so he reached for his laptop and started typing lyrics.

Wild World had a certain flare to it and he wanted to capture it before it was gone. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan gives in to an urge.

He woke with a start.

There was a humming noise and the soft sound of people chatting around him.

He was lying on someone's sharp shoulder, their body heat warm on his cheek and the half of his upper body that had contact with the person next to him.

And curiously, a hand was brushing through his hair. The light drag of the long fingers was soothing and sending a tingle down his spine.

Keeping his eyes closed, he pushed into the slight pressure and stretched out his legs. He was on the bus, sitting on one of the benches in the common area. It was late, or really early in the morning. Probably late because there were people around them and no one on the bus woke that early in the morning.

Reluctantly, he opened his eyes and broke the pleasant feeling surrounding him. He saw he was lying on Kyle and it was Kyle's hand brushing through his hair. A few of the crew were still awake and talking among themselves. No one seemed bothered that he has lying on Kyle nor that Kyle was essentially petting him.

"Awake now?" Kyle voice was low and calm rumbling through his chest, standing out among the voices in the distance. The others were not that far away, but they seemed to be tucked away in their own little space.

"Yes?" Dan answered as he shut his eyes again. If no one cared, he was content to stay exactly where he was and stay in the pleasant haze he was currently under. Unfortunately, Kyle stopped the movement through his hair. Instead, he wrapped his long arm around his upper arm and hugged him in closer.

"You were making that pathetic whimpering sound." Kyle kept his voice low as he spoke down toward his head. He apparently was fine with them staying as close as they were. "Figured you wanted me to stop you from embarrassing yourself."

"Thanks, mate." Dan let out a slow breath as he squeezed his fist tight, feeling his fingernails dig slightly into his palm. He hadn't been sleeping well. He never did on the bus. They were nearing the end of this leg of the tour and he was looking forward to going home and sleeping in his own bed, if only for a few days. "Bad dreams, I guess."

"Sounds like it. You watching horror films again?" Kyle's voice felt nice against his ear. "You were mumbling something. Do you ever shut up?"

"I don't remember." Dan wished he remembered the dream. He wished he could remember what he was mumbling. It probably wasn't a horror film, just the stupid thoughts that kept creeping into his consciousness. "What did I say?"

"Hard to tell. Something about bleeding out? Or blood." Kyle raised his hand and started running his hand through his hair again. "Sounded messed up."

"You are petting me again." Dan sighed into the touch and pushed his head against Kyle's shoulder. "Are you feeling sorry for me?"

"You haven't been sleeping. You look even more haggard than usual." Kyle paused as a shiver ran through Dan's body. "You alright?"

Dan didn't answer because he wasn't sure what to say. Yes, physically he was fine. They were doing well with the tour and getting the next album together. He should be on the top of the world, but his mind wasn't letting him.

Kyle was very open-minded and would likely be fine with what Dan needed to talk about, but it was awkward and weird. They were mates and, if he was completely honest with himself, he had a low grade crush on him. Nothing he knew he could ever explore. Fancying band mates would end in disaster and there was no way he was going to jeopardize the band.

"You fall asleep on me?" Kyle asked in an even lower tone, seemingly content to be a human pillow. His hand stilled only for a minute before it went back to its soothing pattern.

The voices around them were getting less and less. People were likely heading to their bunks and anticipating the next day. The bus was in motion and he believed they would arrive early the next day because it was a short trip between the two venues.

Dan fell asleep soon afterward and Kyle must have followed him. He woke to the sound of laughter and a camera flashing in his face.

"What the hell, mate?" Dan and Kyle both shouted at Woody, making him laugh even harder.

"This something we need to have a meeting about? It has been a long time since we had a family meeting." Woody smiled down to the pair as they both untangled themselves from one another and stretched out the stiffness from sleeping.

"Fam meetings are the best." Will said in a even tone that did not express happiness, but the group knew he was excited to have one. He liked the food and drinks that typically accompanied the meetings. "Can we order BBQ?"

"No meeting needed. We just fell asleep and were too arsed to make our way to the bunks." Kyle spoke for them both as he stood and sat next to Will near the dining area, only two steps away from where he had slept.

"But BBQ?" Will pouted as he looked around the group. "We have to go home soon. We need to eat while we can. America awakened our bland taste buds."

"Have to? Huh, I'm looking forward to seeing my family and mates. No offense, but I need a break from the bus. And you all." Woody opened his phone and went through the messages.

"You all. Y'all." Will smiled to himself. "We are Americanized now. Going to get the piss if we return talking like a Yankee."

"Okay, BBQ man." Kyle teased back, kicking Will's leg.

"You are quiet." Will directed toward Dan. He still sat on the same spot he had been woken up from, with Dan keeping his eyes down and not participating in the typical banter between the group.

"Just tired." Dan pulled on the front of his shirt and then smoothed down the sides before starting to fidget with his fingers. He couldn't move from his spot and he didn't want the rest of the group to see the reason why.

"Why you doing that interview thing?" Will asked, not letting the conversation die.

"What are you on about?" Dan asked, finally looking up. He knew what Will was referring to but he didn't want to admit it. Admitting it would lead to questions and he didn't have answers. Much like why he fidgeted in interviews.

"Fidgets. You are worse than a child with all the fidgets." Will leaned forward as he made the same gestures with the pulling of the shirt, rubbing his forehead, pushing back his hair, and then picking at his shoes.

"I'm knackered. We are near the end of a never ending tour and promotion, yet alone writing a new album. Give me some slack." Dan stood quickly and headed toward his bunk to grab his bag and search for a bathroom. He needed a shower and to be away from everyone. He didn't like to snap on them, but he just couldn't be bothered right now.

Everyone left him alone on the way back through, with Dan making his way into the venue and heading toward the rooms after a very nervous employee pointed to the back of the building. There was always shower space in the venues, and he was looking forward to being alone.

He took his time in the shower and allowed the warm water to ease some of his tension. He was getting ready to snap and he hated it. Just a few more days and he could hide away back in normalcy. He planned to take a full break from anything music related and was debating turning off his phone as well.

Entering out of the shower room, he found Kyle setting on the sofa in their dressing room area. The venue was quiet as they were there ridiculously early. There was nothing scheduled for hours.

"You are being stranger than normal." Kyle broke the silence in the room. "I know we all need a break, but we need you to get yourself to that break."

"I know." Dan balled his fists into his sleeves as he sat down near Kyle on the sofa. He left a few centimetres between them, but he really wished he could just go back to lying on his shoulder and Kyle would brush his hair until it was dry. His body didn't feel right and it had felt better when he was lying on Kyle. But he knew that wanting that was not something that could happen.

"What do you need?" Kyle asked, moving closer on the sofa and wrapping his arm around Dan's shoulder to bring him closer yet. It had seemed to work on the bus so he was willing to try it again. "This helps, right? Just being near someone. I get that. We are humans that need to be touched. When is the last time someone touched you?"

"I get groped almost every day from the crowd." Dan lost the fight with himself and laid his head on Kyle's shoulder. His hair was wet and it would leave a mark on Kyle's shirt, but Kyle did not stop him.

"Not what I mean, and you know it." Kyle brushed his hand through Dan's hair and Dan felt his eyes water at how nice it felt. "When was the last time you were with someone?"

"Random hookups on the road are messy." Dan tightened his arms across his stomach and leaned more into Kyle's body. He would fall asleep again. "Don't need the bad press. I know some of these people are starting to recognize me and it is maddening."

"Hard to be the frontman because your face is the face of the band." Kyle kept the even movement through his hair. "Maybe you need to chop this off? Invest in some disguises."

"I don't think that will help." Dan mumbled into Kyle's shirt. His eyes were getting heavy and he only needed a few more minutes, and maybe a bit more pressure on the top of his head, and he would be asleep.

"Because you want to be with a man." Kyle said in a gentle tone, without judgement.

All at once, the pleasant haze was gone and Dan felt his heartbeat increasing. His chest was getting tighter and it was harder to breath. He went to pull away, but Kyle stopped him with a strong arm around his shoulder, keeping him in place.

"It is fine." Kyle spoke near his head like he did last night on the bus. "You are fine."

"Kyle." Dan finally got out after taking a few deeper breaths and digging his nails into his hands. "I might be sick."

"Hey, hey. No need for all that." Kyle kept him close and breathed with him. "No one in the group is going to mind, just so you know. It is no one's business, but no one will mind."

"Do they all know?" Dan said all at once.

"No, mate. No." Kyle went back to brushing his fingers through his hair now that he knew Dan was not going to bolt on him. "I am just observant. I notice the way you look at men sometimes. I appreciate a good looking person as well, might have even had a few drunken snogs with mates in uni. I've never looked at a man like I wanted to know everything about them though."

"Really?" Dan pressed away from Kyle and sat up so he was basically still in Kyle's personal space, allowing his fists to de-clench and some feeling to go back to his hands. "In uni? Mates?"

"A few. Nothing serious. Just uni and finding yourself. I hung out with a lot of musicians and they always liked to have a laugh." Kyle smiled at the lost expression on Dan's face. "A few taught me more than the birds."

"Shut up." Dan pushed at Kyle's stomach and winced when his palms hit Kyle.

Kyle reached for his hands and pulled back the sleeves to see Dan's palms. "Whoa, mate."

There were deep crescent shaped marks on his palms, with one on his right hand a bit redder because he had drawn blood.

"No more of that for now." Kyle massaged Dan's hands to release some of the tension in them. "Will not be able to handle the microphone if you keep that up."

Dan looked up from his hands and found Kyle's lashes were fanning out across his cheeks as he looked down in concentration as he massaging his hands. They were still alone and there was no sign of anyone in the building, let alone in the back area where they were.

Swallowing quickly, Dan leaned his head down before he could talk himself out of it and found Kyle's lips. They were smooth and warm, with the soft hairs of his beard tickling his mouth. Licking into his mouth, Dan felt Kyle open his mouth and allow Dan to deepen the kiss.

It was better than the pleasant haze from having Kyle's hands in his hair. It was better than the random boy he kissed on the bench in secondary school. And better than any man he kissed in uni. Dan realized he never kissed a man sober before and it was a bit unsettling.

Kyle was kissing him back, but neither of them moved. Dan's hands were still resting in Kyle's.

"Yes!" Will shouted into the room. "We are ordering BBQ and drinks! Family meeting time."

Dan pulled back from Kyle and looked toward the joyous sound of Will's voice. Woody was standing next to him and looked completely lost for words.


	4. Chapter 4

Sitting back on the sofa, Dan looked between Will and Woody. Both stood staring back at him. Everyone just waiting for someone to do something or say something.

Dan didn't want to look at Kyle yet, but he could feel his eyes on him.

Will had a slight smirk on his face like he knew something no one else knew. Woody still looked bewildered. 

Finally, Kyle spoke and broke the silence in the room.

"We can have them order food but we don't need a family meeting." Kyle brushed his hands down his thighs and leaned slightly forward. He turned his eyes toward the men at the door and kept them there. "It isn't up for group discussion."

Woody shook his head and walked fully into the room but stayed stood. "You two are half of the fucking band. What happens when this all falls through?"

Kyle opened his eyes further and shook his head slightly as he didn't have an answer. 

"You ready to leave?" Woody pointed at Kyle with a serious look on his face. "Because we cannot replace Dan."

Kyle looked down to his shoes as he shrugged his shoulders. The silence filled the room again. 

Woody gestured around the room after a brief pause. "This involves all of us. This involves my job and how I'm supporting my family. How Will is supporting himself and future family. This involves everyone on the crew that has a job because of us. This involves this family in this room. All of us. We are talking about this."

"Does Kyle have to leave?" Will asked in a deadpan tone sitting down in a chair next to Woody."I quite like him."

"This isn't some joke." Woody smacked Will's upper arm as he kept his attention on both Kyle and Dan as they sat with their heads facing down. "This is the beginning of the end of us."

"Kyle is not going anywhere. I am not going anywhere." Dan clenched his fists and felt his nails dig back into the sores as he kept his arms tight around his stomach. This breathing had been increasing with each word Woody said. He was right. He had been stupid. "This is nothing. I was stupid and it is nothing. It won't happen again. Promise."

"Do I, do I get a say in that?" Kyle asked turning his head toward Dan, his head titled to the side. He was flustered and his words were coming out too fast. He got nervous when he was put on the spot or when he had to defend himself. "I think I want a say in, in that."

Dan kept his eyes on his lap and focused on his breathing to get it back under control. "I was vulnerable for a minute and did something stupid. I'm exhausted. Literally, could sleep for a month, exhausted. I don't even...I'm not...yeah, I dunno."

"We don't have to, to have this conversation in front of everyone," Kyle looked toward Will and Woody to emphasize his statement before turning his attention back to Dan, "but we are going, going to talk about this. You don't just kiss me and then...and then...I dunno. We are, we are talking about this." 

"I'm really sorry. I just want to sleep." Dan spoke low and closed his eyes trying to find the right words. "I just want to sleep. Order food. Have this area. I'm going to sleep on the bus. If I'm not up by sound check, please come and get me."

"I'll walk you." Kyle stood when Dan stood.

"No." Dan finally looked up and then held Kyle's eye contact for the message to be heard.

"Let 'em sleep. Poor boy is knackered." Will watched as Kyle crossed his arms around his waist and stood back, placing his weight on one leg. The smirk was still on Will's face. He had seen this coming for years. Since Dan couldn't get his mind off the guy at the party that knew how to play music. The guy that had gone to the same uni as Dan, and they had worked at the same radio station, but never knew one another. Will knew there was a back story there. He prided himself on being right as it didn't happen all that often. "He will be back. Got a gig tonight, mate. He won't miss a gig." 

"Fine." Kyle sat back down and didn't watch as Dan left the room.

Dan went back to the bus and found he was alone, the bus driver was not even on the bus. Hopping in his bunk, he closed the curtain and pressed his head into his pillow. His hands fell to his sides but he kept them tightly clenched. He could feel the sore on his right hand bleeding and he didn't like the feeling so he finally let up so the pressure was still there but his nails were not digging into his palm.

Counting backwards from 10 three separate times, each time letting his breath get longer and longer between, Dan found that sleep was not going to come. He was minutes from falling asleep again when his head was on Kyle's shoulder but in the silence of his own space, he couldn't allow himself to relax enough to ease into unconsciousness.

He had kissed Kyle.

And everyone knew.

They were all in a room together and likely talking about it.

About him.

How he had fucked up and now everyone was worried about their job going up in smoke. This crazy life that they lead, that no one believed was actually happening, was all going away. 

All because he had been stupid and acted on a thought. 

Kyle's lips were soft and full. Kyle knew how to kiss and was confident as his tongue had massaged Dan's mouth. He kissed him back like he cared. Not rushed like the majority of his university kisses. All those kisses had been drunken kisses. 

And when he started losing the weight and it felt so different in his new body. He had grabbed the attention of an older man in a pub. A man that drunkenly talked him into something he was not ready for. A man that kicked him out of his bed as soon as he got what he wanted. A man that put him off men for a very long time. 

Opening his eyes to make the memories go away, Dan jumped out of the bunk. Sleep was not going to come in the bunk. He didn't want anything to do with music, his normal perfect distraction. And he had too much nervous energy to just lie still on the bus. 

Checking that his phone was charged and that he had money, he rushed off the bus and started in the direction of the sun.

It was early in the day and there was movement in the city they were in. Dan felt bad, but he had no idea which city that was at the moment. He was half positive what state they were in, but he couldn't guess the city to save his life.

There were a few coffee shops and eating establishments along his path, but he would keep them in mind for later. He couldn't eat or drink anything when he felt like this. Like his body was slowly shutting down from the inside and it was just a matter of time before he lost it. 

Spotting a book shop, Dan looked both ways before he crossed the road and quickly slipped into the store. It was a mix between old vintage and new hipster but it would do. He loved the written world and slipping into another time or person. Other people's stories were so much more fascinating than his own rubbish thoughts. 

The store was empty except for a man that looked to be in his late sixties sleeping near the register.

Walking to the furthermost back of the store, Dan breath caught in his throat. The universe was attempting to show him something.

Scanning his eyes through the selection, he skipped over anything that had specific keys words on them, especially 'fabulous' and 'embrace.'

There was a book with a neutral colour and a non-fabulous title. It was an autobiography and it looked recent. Opening to the first page, Dan gave out a loud laugh at the first line and looked around him to make sure that one heard him embarrass himself.

There was no one around and the old man was still sound asleep, his head resting on his chest as he leaned back far in his chair.

Dan settled down on the floor to read, curling his long legs into a comfortable position and pressing his back against an old brick wall.

His eyes were scanning through the words. As he settled to the ground, his lack of sleep took him over. The words on the page were starting to hypothesize him to sleep. He woke himself up twice before sleep finally took him over. 

He woke with a stiff neck and a sore bum, with both his legs asleep. His phone was ringing in his jacket, echoing throughout the old shop.

Coordinating his movement, Dan found the phone and hit the right button. Before he could answer hello, Woody's voice came out loud through the speaker.

"You are missing sound check? Where are you? I checked the bus and the venue."

"I dunno. A shop with books."

"No one misses sound check. That is your rule."

"I fell asleep reading."

"In a book shop?"

"No one is here. There is an old man at the register but he was asleep as well. No one saw. I hope "

"Seriously, mate, you alright?"

"Just tired."

"You need to tell us if something is going on. Forget what I said before. It is not just because this is our job. You are worrying me."

"Just sorting out my head, you know? Everything, this wasn't planned. It just happened as you know and it just seems like it is never going to stop. Which, fucking wicked, but I dunno...I need...something."

"Get your ass here. Kyle set up most of your gear but no one is messing with your mic."

"You sure? You been practicing those high notes?"

"Fuck off, mate "

"Can you send me the address. I'm not sure which direction I am going."

Dan ended the call and walked to the register. 

The old man woke as Dan tapped on the counter. He didn't want to startle him given his age, but he wanted to finish the book as well. 

The man woke with a grunt, clearing his throat. Picking his glasses up from where they laid on his chest along a string, the man looked the book over. When it passed his inspection, he nodded his head and pressed the price into the register.

As he looked up, Dan found that his eyes looked familiar. They sparkled in the light, even behind the thick glasses.

"Good book choice." The old man broke Dan's trance. He was smiling at Dan and Dan swore he knew that smile.

"Thanks." Dan spoke as he handed over the card management gave them. "I fell asleep before I could read much of it. Figured no one would want to buy a book with drool on it."

"It is good to rest. You haven't been sleeping well in that bunk." The man handed him the card back and slid the book across the counter. "It will get better."

"Do I know you?" Dan asked feeling uneasy. The man looked familiar but he was clearly American and someone Dan couldn't possibly know. 

"Who really knows anyone?" The man's eyes sparkled again before he leaned back in his chair and closed them, seemingly to go back to sleep. "Get on now. Don't want them to find a replacement for you. I say Will takes lead vocal. Bastard is funny."

Dan stood frozen until he phone chimed again signaling that he was still missing sound check and other people were likely to try and find him.

Kyle had done well setting up Dan's instruments. They all sounded the way he liked them. 

Dan apologized to everyone for being late, blushing knowing that everyone had been waiting on him.

He was late, but he typically was never this late. Especially for sound check. The anxious energy he had surrounding shows made him want to double check everything before he was able to play on stage. 

The title 'control freak' was really just code for anxious mess attempting to find some order. 

Finishing sound check and finally eating something, Dan went to the writing room and sat with his eyes closed. His break from new music was starting now but he wanted to be alone. 

There was no interviews before this performance. The support act had been following them around for a few shows so there was no need to play nice with them. 

He was alone in silence and for the first time in about a month, he was okay with the silence. 

The kip must have been just what he needed. 

Soon the show was over and everyone was crowded around backstage. It had been a good show. The crowd had energy and were dancing along to the songs. 

Dan downed his drink in one go and smiled to the bassist of the support group before he went toward the bus. The sound from backstage was too much and he wanted to find quiet again. 

Oh course, Kyle had to be the one on the bus when he opened the door and walked up the short steps. 

"Sorry." Kyle stayed sat on the bench, a half full drink in his hand. "I can go, if you want." 

"No." Dan sat down next to him and kicked Kyle's foot with his own. "I'm sorry." 

Kyle finished his drink and put the cup aside, turning so he was facing the side of Dan. "What are you sorry about? Kissing me or being an ass about it?" 

"Both?" Dan pulled his sweatshirt closer around his middle, allowing the two halves to over-layer one another. Running his hand through his still damp hair, Dan shrugged. "I dunno. I quite liked the kissing part." 

"Me too." Kyle smiled as he pulled on Dan's covered arm waiting for his attention. Once Dan looked up at him, Kyle smiled more and asked, "Does that mean I can kiss you now?" 

Dan smiled down toward his chest and nodded his head. Before he could feel his whole face redden in embarrassment, Kyle's lips were on his and Kyle's hand moved from his arm to wrap around his waist. 

He tasted like the cheap alcohol the venue had supplied the backstage area with and something else that he couldn't place. It was like before, slow and not rushed but with care behind it. 

As Kyle went to pull back, Dan leaned forward more, twisting his body, his hands pulling at Kyle's shirt to keep him near as he continued the kiss. In his eagerness, he bumped his teeth against Kyle's but ignored the shock as he adjusted so that his tongue was moving with Kyle's. 

It was good. Better than before because he knew Kyle wanted it this time. 

"Oh, for Heaven's sake." Their tour manager said in a raised voice to get their attention as he walked on the bus. "This is not a good idea." 

Dan jumped back from Kyle and tried to move further away but the bench was small and he didn't get much further. His face was flush and his breathing was elevated, both from the kiss and from the interruption. 

Dan looked toward Kyle and found a similar expression on his face. He looked good with flushed skin. Kyle's lips were red and shiny. The sight on him made a place inside his heart ache because he knew this was a stupid idea. It was foolish and stupid. 

"Just a little kiss between mates." Dan stood from his spot and smiled toward their tour manager, Dick. "Had a bit too much of the cheap drinks. No worries." 

"Yeah." Kyle stood to his full height and went back toward the bunk area. "No worries." 

Dan watched as he left and then turned back to the angry looking man in front of him. 

"Don't be stupid. That is reckless and you know it. You don't shit where you eat." Dick handed him a list of potential media interviews lined up for the tour and then turned to go back inside to gather up everyone. "End it before it ends the group." 

Dan stood in place, wrapping his sweatshirt around his middle and clenching his fists. His right hand hurt. 

Shaking his thoughts from his head, he went back to his bunk and raised himself up into it. Kyle's bunk was across from him, with the sounds of loud music filtered through headphones providing him with the answer he needed. Kyle was upset and he did not want to talk. 

Closing his open curtain and then eyes, Dan wished to be home and away from everything. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It all becomes too much...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mild self-harm references related to attempt to control anxiety and an injury during a concert in this chapter.

For the past two days, Kyle had managed to completely ignore Dan. Which considering they live with less than a meter between them on the bus is impressive. They had one concert with minimal interaction between them, yet it did not affect the show. 

Then it was back on the bus to get to the rest of the tour dates and they were back at another venue. A venue different than the last but very similar at the same time. The band had played at this venue before and most were excited to revisit the city. 

When the band woke in the afternoon, Dan was already up and in the backstage area of the venue. The whole group had celebrated after the last show and for a bit on the bus until everyone retired to their bunk. Consequently everyone was moving a bit slower and attempting to nurse their hangovers. 

Dan was in the toilet of their main room backstage, sitting on the floor with his hoody resting on top of his upper body and his jeans unzipped. He had taken a shower and was getting dressed when the full effect of the headache hit him. His head hurt when he had woken up, likely due to the massive amount of alcohol he had consumed the night before and the fact that he had around two hours of sleep total. 

The pain surrounded his head, much like he had a sweatband on that was too tight. 

The next thing he noticed was the uneasiness in his stomach, stopping him from fully zipping up his jeans as he got sick into the toilet. There was another wave that hit him soon afterward, with his mouth left tasting like acid. The last sick was only liquid, but he continued with a few dry heaves. Once it was safe, Dan sat down gingerly on the floor near the toilet and felt his body start to shiver. It was too much work to put on a shirt or the hoody, so he forced himself to reach for the hoody and simply lay it on his upper body like a small blanket. 

His head was still pounding, with a halo of hell just above his eyes and ears that wrapped fully around to the back of his head. 

He had never felt more poorly in his life. 

Fearing it wasn't just a hangover sick, which he had experienced too many times to keep track of, Dan wondered if he had a virus. No one else on the tour had been showing symptoms, but life on the road was rough on the body. They were nearing the end of their tour dates and it had been chaotic. Writing, recording here and there, promoting the current tour, performing, sleeping on the bus, or somewhat sleeping on the bus in Dan's case. It was a lot for anyone to manage. 

The shivering stopped as Dan sat on the floor, his body completely still to ward off anymore pain or feeling of unease in his stomach. As his body stopped shivering, Dan noticed the trembling in his hands and clenched his fists. His hands were still soft from the hot shower and it hurt to clench them so tight, but it was the only thing that would stop them from trembling. 

He wasn't sure how long he sat in the toilet, but it felt like ages. His phone kept chirping but he didn't trust his body to move. Someone would just have to find him if they needed him that badly. 

"Thank you." Dan heard Kyle's voice from a distance before the door was opened. Someone with a key must had been tracked down.

Kyle saw Dan sitting on the floor near the toilet, with this dark hoody lying on top of him yet still revealing his bare sides. He had jeans on from what he could tell but nothing on his feet. His hair was still slightly damp but lying flat on his head, a sight he had not seen in ages. The high poof of hair that had become his signature look was not reflected in his current state. His head was resting on his knees, with his face hidden from view. He sat still, with only a slight tremor noticeable when Kyle stayed looking at him long enough. 

"You alright, mate?" Kyle's voice was unsure and he hesitated to move in closer yet at the same time wanted to make sure there wasn't something else he was missing. Looking him over from head to toe, at least what he could see, there did not appear to be any injury. "Been in here for ages. Had to get them to get a key to let us in." 

"Head." Dan whispered into his knees. Kyle's voice was too loud and echoing through the once quiet room. 

Kyle moved so that he sat on the floor next to Dan so that they were side to side. His hand hovered over Dan's legs, and then he thought better of it and put it back in his own lap. "Hangover?" 

"Worse." Dan managed to answer after a few seconds. "Was sick. Pain around my head." 

"I will get some water and tablets." Kyle stood quickly and went into the other room looking for someone that could help them with medicine. 

He returned some minutes later and sat back in the same spot. 

"Got you some water and pain tablets." Kyle watched as Dan slowly moved his head up and he stopped himself from commenting on how bad he looked. There were dark circles under his eyes and his face looked pale. "This will fix ya up." 

Dan was struggling to keep his eyes open, the room much brighter than it had been before when he was dressing. He was determined to get something to stop the pain, so he forced him eyes open and moved his clenched fists out from underneath the hoody. The hoody fell down to rest on his raised knees, with his chest now bare and cold. 

It took a lot more effort than was necessary to open his hands to get the water and tablets from Kyle, with his hands trembling throughout swallowing the tablets and some water. 

"Can I get you, you anything else?" Kyle watched Dan set the water bottle down and then curl back into himself. He was concerned at how much his hands were trembling and how red his palms looked when he saw a quick glimpse of them. Dan tried to move the hoody back to cover him, but his hands wouldn't cooperate because they were now fists again. Kyle helped move the hoody up and around Dan's bare shoulders. "You staying here on the floor?" 

"Yes." Dan whispered his answer, allowing his head to fall forward again and rest on his knees. He wanted the pain tablets to do their job and then he would entertain the idea of getting up from his current position. 

"Want me to stay with you?" Kyle whispered back as he watched with little else to do. 

"Yes." Dan mumbled into his knees and then focused on attempting to clear his mind. 

Again, after what felt like ages, the tight hellish band around his head lessened and he started with opening his eyes and lifting his head up. He wasn't sure why, as he knew he was there, but he was surprised that Kyle was still next to him. He was silent, sat with his own eyes closed and his head resting against the wall behind them. He had a late night as well, with Kyle attempting to out drink their sound guy the night before, both backstage and then on the bus. Dan had went to bed before both of them. 

"Hungover?" Dan asked in a low voice but not a full whisper. The tablets had worked well as the sound of his own voice did not make him want to sick up in the toilet. 

Kyle opened his eyes quickly and turned his head toward Dan. He looked better. Still pale but not as pained. "Yeah, mate. I had my own self-care this morning as well. Well, afternoon." 

Dan allowed his knees to lower and he came to the realization that his jeans were still undone and he was sat without a top on. Blushing, he quickly moved the hoody so it was properly on his body and then moved the bottom over his lap. He could put his hoody on with fists but he was not going to attempt to zip himself. He put his hands inside the pouch on the front and rested them, away from Kyle's view, in his lap. 

"Can I see your hands?" Kyle asked in a neutral tone. 

"Why?" Dan spoke down to his chest. It was fluttering. Much like his hands trembling, Dan was able to feel it now that the pain had lessened in his head. 

"Because they looked red and I have cream for them." Kyle held out the tube of cream. "It will help stop infection and numb it a bit." 

"I thought you were upset with me?" Dan clenched his fists even tighter. It was embarrassing that Kyle was showing him this much concern just because he was sat on the toilet floor likely loosing his shit. He wouldn't have been talking to him if Dan's body hadn't shut down. 

"I am. But you are scaring the shit out of me and that takes precedence over my feelings at the, at the moment." Kyle waited for Dan's hands, with Dan finally taking them out of the pouch and allowing his hands to open. His palms were red, especially around where the nails had been digging into his skin. It looked worse than the last time he had seen them. "I told you enough of this, mate." 

Dan didn't say anything, but watched as Kyle delicately put the cream on each of the sores. Kyle didn't comment on the trembling and how he winced when Kyle put the cream on the reddish spot on his right palm. It had been the one that was bleeding before and the sore was getting deeper. After the cream was rubbed into the skin, Kyle massaged both of his hands. Rubbing up from his fingers to his wrists, and then repeating. Much like he had done before Dan had kissed him the first time. 

"I'm sorry." Dan said once Kyle handed him back his hands, with Dan noticing that the massage had helped some of the trembling. "I think I'm losing my mind a bit. Or a lot." 

"I have noticed." Kyle again kept his even tone, with no judgement in his voice. "We are all worried about you. Maybe we need to cancel tonight...we can make something up." 

"No." Dan shook his head and winced at the movement. "No. We don't cancel shows. I've made it through worse than this. It is just nerves and exhaustion. It is my normal." 

"We have an interview in an hour and then sound check." Kyle noticed Dan's hands were trembling more but Dan was making an effort to not clench them in front of him. Instead, he grasped them together so that he was holding his hands palm to palm as they continued to rest in his lap. 

"Take the interview without me. You all know my answers." Dan moved his head around, stretching out his neck and seeing how far he could move before his head started to pound again. It wasn't much but he was already feeling loads better than before when he couldn't even open his eyes. "I'll rest until sound check and then be good to go." 

"If you cannot make it through sound check, then we are canceling. End of." Kyle lowered his head to get Dan's attention and waited until Dan looked up to acknowledge him. "You hear me?" 

"Yes." Dan said keeping eye contact. Damn his eyes were pretty. And his nose. And the way his bread framed his lips, making them seem even pinker and plumb. Even with a rough night behind them and the harsh light of the toilet room, Kyle looked like everything Dan had always secretly wanted. "I hear you." 

"Good." Kyle stood and reached his hand down. "Now get your arse off the floor and allow someone else to use this room. Damn diva singers." 

"Fuck off." Dan laughed as he reached for Kyle's hand and stood. He swayed for a few seconds, grateful that Kyle's hand was in his and the other had steadied him on his upper arm. "No alcohol tonight. That stuff last night must have been wicked." 

Kyle didn't respond but watched as Dan found his balance and gathered the rest of his belongings. He moved slowly toward the door and then sat on the sofa in the room, his belongings staying in his arms as he sat. 

Dan rested his head back against the edge of the sofa and closed his eyes. It was only much, much later when he was woken up for sound check that he realized he had never properly zipped his jeans. 

Sound check had went well. He only sang at half his voice and saved his energy for the show. He had worked through viruses and headaches before throughout the years. Saving everything for the show allowed it all to go as smooth as it could. 

Much like every performance, Dan felt the fluttering in his chest as they gathered around to do their vocal warm up. It was a nice bonding ritual and it helped him focus on something else besides the crowd waiting for them. Both Woody and Will were giving him looks that said they wanted to ask him questions, but neither of them did. They knew he had a headache earlier and that he was still fighting it off.

He kept himself together through the first song. The first one was typically the worse because of the rush of adrenaline and his body trying to even itself out in such a strange place. He skipped the harder notes and focused on keeping his body in the present, with the fluttery feeling starting to take over his chest again. 

By the third song, time was slowing down and he felt his body start to protest the jumping around that he was doing. He messed a whole verse and got the attention of everyone in the room on him. He smiled and laughed it off, saying, "Fuck, forgot the words." 

As the song ended, he walked to grab his towel to wipe the sweat off his face and found his hands were trembling. Jumping around on the stage typically allowed his hands to settle themselves, but tonight they were betraying him. 

He was back by Woody's kit and looked up to see Woody mouth if he was alright. Dan nodded his answer and found the band was tightening around his head again. It wasn't as intense as before and he hoped that he could make it through the rest of the set without getting sick on someone. 

Walking back to the front of the stage, Dan smiled out into the audience. "Everybody alright?" 

A chorus of 'yes' and cat calls were given in response, making Dan's smile increase. He performed for them. Always had. 

"You will have to forgive me tonight. Seems I am a bit under the weather." 

The cat calls turned to a series of "aw" and other sounds of sympathy. Dan didn't like sympathy. In fact, he hated it but he needed some excuse for why he was fucking up so much and it seemed the best way. 

"Might have to help me along tonight." Dan laughed but stopped as he heard his voice echo inside his head longer than it should. He turned to Coop and pointed toward his mic. Coop nodded back and made some adjustments. 

"Or we can have Will sing tonight." Again his voice echoed too long in his head and he looked toward Coop. The room swayed as he turned his head, with Coop and everyone around him a messy blur of colours. 

The crowd laughed in response and started chanting Will's name. Dan turned his attention to Will and thought he saw Will raise his hands in praise of the crowd's energy. At least the movement looked like raising his hands. Dan shook his head to clear his eyes and felt a rush of pain go through his head and down one of his legs before settling right above his eyes. 

The mic was resting in its stand next to his keyboard, allowing Dan to hold onto something as the wave of pain moved through him. Closing his eyes for a moment, Dan focused his attention on breathing and found a space inside his head he used when it all became too much on stage. 

It was a space where he could tune out the nerves and just focus on the lyrics and his body moving on the stage. 

Opening his eyes, he found the room had righted itself and everyone was back to solid objects. 

"This next one is one of our oldest." Dan look the mic out of its stand and waited for the first few sounds to fill the room. "Please help me through it." 

He sang and heard the crowd respond back. They were awesome and shouting the words back at him. He could make it through the rest of the night if he stayed in this space and the crowd kept giving him the same energy. 

He moved toward Kyle's side to go into the crowd and ignored the way Kyle was shaking his head at him. He always went into the crowd during Flaws and he wasn't going to let tonight be any different. 

It was surreal to walk through a crowd of people singing your song back to you as they held up phones in your face and attempted to grab at you. His teenage self would hide in the furthermost corner of the room at even the idea of doing this, but he found that it was nice to push his limits. The crowd liked it and it was worth the gropes and awkwardness of singing so close to people's faces. 

He was halfway out into the crowd and jumping along with them when he saw the man with the sparkly eyes. The man smiled at him and Dan lost a word. Shaking his head, he turned to keep walking through the crowd and felt the pain band tighten around his head. He blanked out for a few words and came back to find he was still moving through the crowd. 

Coming to the part when everyone started jumping again, Dan found the room slowing down around him and his vision narrowing into a tunnel. His heart was beating too fast and he felt like he did the one time someone had given him speed without him knowing it. Somehow he kept jumping, with each jump feeling like he stayed in the air much too long. 

The room was narrowing again and the blur of colours around him was making him sick. He wasn't sure if he was still singing, but the room was loud with everyone's voices. 

Again a rush of pain went through his head, circling around his ears and eyes. He could feel his heartbeat in his forehead and the sound of his breathing mix with the room. And then the sounds of the room all stopped at once and everything went dark. 

Then nothing. 

The band kept playing for another minute after Dan's voice stopped. 

Kyle and Will had both been keeping their eyes on Dan, but there were a lot of people in the crowd and he blended in. Their in-ears had each other's instruments without Dan's vocals. They needed to hear each other to stay together, with Dan having himself in one ear and blend of the band in his other. They didn't hear him stop singing right away.

But they noticed when the front of the room all seemed to stop singing at the same time, with the rest of the crowd quickly realizing something was off. 

Kyle figured Dan's mic had turned off or his mic pack had fallen off among the sea of people. 

Will knew something was off because the sea of people had created a hole on the side of the crowd in front of him. There were people waving their hands and shouting for help. Will took out his in-ears and found that there were many people yelling for help around where the hole was in the crowd. 

Will waved toward Coop, and then the rest of the group as instruments all stopped at different times. Woody's kit was the last to make a sound.

Woody stood up from his seat and found that there were a group of people surrounding Dan lying on the floor. He was lying on his side, with someone held onto his head. Everyone was shouting around them and then the whole room went quiet all at once. 

Kyle jumped down from the stage and pushed his way roughly to where the gap was and felt his breath catch in his throat seeing Dan lying on the dirty floor. There was a guy next to him that had Dan's head in his hands, with his hands keeping Dan's head from fully resting on the dirty ground. 

"He is still breathing." The man said looking up toward Kyle. "He just blacked out and went down. I tried to stop his head from hitting the ground, but I think the side of his head still hit the ground." 

Woody and Will were soon next to him, as well as Dick and the house medic. Dick told everyone to move back, with the crowd slowly making room for more professionals to make their way to Dan. 

"Don't move him." The first medic said to the man holding Dan's head. "He is bleeding. We need everyone to clear out." 

"Listen up everyone!" Dick shouted out into the room. "Thank you for your help, but we are ending early tonight. I know everyone is worried about him, but we need you to all start slowly making your way to the exits. We will make sure he gets the best care and keep you updated with information." 

Kyle felt a few hands pat him on the back as the crowd respected the seriousness of the situation and left the room. 

Once the crowd was gone, Kyle saw how many people were left that were helping Dan. There was a full medic crew stabilizing his neck and moving him onto a board. The same crew was checking his breathing and heart rate. There was another one asking questions. 

Kyle stood frozen as they moved Dan on the board, now on wheels, out of room and likely toward their vehicle. He was going to hospital but he was breathing. 

"Any drugs in his system?" The young female medic asked the group. "Anything he might haven taken?" 

"No." Will answered. "He doesn't do that. Does he do that?" 

The question was directed at Kyle, but he couldn't find the words to answer. Swallowing, he shook his head. 

"Any health conditions we need to be aware of? Allergies? Medications?"

The medic was directing her questions toward Kyle now and he wondered how he was declared the right person to answer them. 

"No. No." Kyle crossed his arms around his stomach. "Well, well, he had a headache this afternoon. Right, he, he said it hurt. He, he was sick. In the toilet. He, he was sitting on the floor there, there. I, I gave him water and some tablets. Pain, pain tablets. He slept. And then he was better. He was better." 

"He get headaches a lot?" 

"Sometimes. It is a lot." Dick answered for Kyle, much to Kyle's relief. "We are almost done with this leg of the tour and they have been on the road for months. It takes its toll. He gets pretty anxious as well. Works himself up with stress. He doesn't have a drug problem. Maybe some weed here and there but he doesn't use anything. We would know." 

"Okay." The lady wrote down the information. "Anyone we could contact? Someone that would give us more information in case he doesn't wake up?" 

"What?!" Kyle let his hands fall to his sides as he looked around the group. "In case he doesn't, doesn't wake up? Is that a, a possibility?" 

"I am just looking for medical history on him." The lady gently smiled toward Kyle. "I am not saying he won't wake up. Just standard questions." 

"Fucking right." Kyle turned toward Dick. "Can we go? To, to where they took him? Like, now?" 

The medic informed the group where Dan had been taken and left. 

"He is going to be fine." Woody said to the group and himself as they all piled into a van to go to the hospital. "Just worked himself up too much. We shouldn't have let him go on after this afternoon. He is going to be fine." 

No one said anything else on the ride over. All sat in silence wondering what they could have done to prevent what had happened. 


	6. Chapter 6

"Sir, please." The older nurse said again, holding her open hand out in front of her. "I am not allowed to share any information with someone that is not an immediate relative or a power of attorney. The doctors need to assess him and then they will share information with who they determine fit. I understand everyone is worried and frightened. Our medical staff is amazing here. He is in good hands. Let them do their job. Please have a seat and use the power of prayer, if you believe." 

"And, as I stated three times now, his next of kin is around six hours in the future. It is the middle of the night there and I wish to not freak out his parents with a phone call that their son is in the hospital. All I need to know is what is going on with him and what they need to do." Dick kept his voice even. Out of his peripheral vision, he saw the rest of the band looking in his direction. Kyle, Will, and Woody were simply stood and staring at them. "I am the closest thing he has right now to a power of attorney. Who can I talk to?" 

"I will inform the doctors, but from what I know, they are not finished with their assessment." The nurse gave a gentle smile and looked toward the nervous group of men behind the nicely dressed man in front of her. "He is in good hands. Let us do our job. Your job is to sit and wait." 

"What did she say?" Woody asked as Dick made his way back to the group in the waiting area. It was fairly busy, with multiple people waiting for their turn and medical staff moving around. Dan had skipped the line as he arrived via the ambulance. 

Kyle's eyes were big. "Fucking tell us she said _something_." 

"The doctors are still doing their work up. She also kept stating that they cannot share information with non-family members unless we have power of attorney." Dick sat in the closest chair and opened his phone. "I will see who I need to talk to about that. I believe you signed papers related to medical emergencies. I just don't have them with me." 

"What the hell...happened?" Kyle growled toward Will and Woody. 

"Kyle." Woody moved closer and placed his hand on his arm, noticing that Kyle was twitching underneath his hand. "He probably just blacked out because he is rundown. He was ill earlier and bouncing around. They will do some tests and give him some fluids. He will be fine." 

"You don't know that." Kyle shook his head and fell into the seat across from Dick. "He shouldn't have gone on. We...should have canceled. Fuck." 

Will and Woody sat as well, one on each side of Kyle. Everyone was concerned but wearing their concern differently. Will was extra stoic, Kyle was twitchy, and Woody was worrying with his hands.

"He is tough." Will nodded to himself. "He will be fine. Sure of it." 

"Should we ring his parents?" Woody asked Dick and waited for him to look up from his phone. "Dick! Should we ring his parents?"

"I did the math. It is the middle of the night there. Let's see what they say and we can take it from there." Dick found the number he needed and clicked it as he stood. "I'm going to figure out the power of attorney issue. Just, wait here." 

"Fucking hell." Kyle's foot kept tapping the ground as he looked around the room. The room was too bright and there were too many people just waiting around. Running his hands through his hair, he found he still had on his in-ears and the pack attached to them. Taking both off and shoving them in his pocket, he bit his lip and went back to tapping his foot. 

He heard various voices around him talking but he couldn't make out what they were saying. 

His heart felt weird, like it was beating too fast and then slowing down. And then it would speed up again. 

He was cold. There was a cold feeling moving through his body and he wanted to tell someone he needed a blanket, or a jacket. Or a heater. Something to stop the cold from moving through him. 

He tried talking but there were no words. 

His eyes felt heavy and were not opening. 

There was pain above his eyes, similar to the pain he felt before everything went dark. The side of his head hurt as well.

He tried to make a fist with his hand, but he couldn't feel his hands so he wasn't sure if they moved. Only could feel the cold moving through him and the pain in his head. And his heart.

So, this is what it felt like to die, he thought as his thoughts went dark again. 

"He has an infection in his blood. He likely had it for sometime. Infections are opportunists. They attack weakened immune systems and start to create havoc."

A lady with a white lab coat was talking to them in a private room near the waiting area. The waiting area was still busy and it was easier to talk in the quiet room.

As soon as they were asked back, hours after they had arrived, Kyle's mind went to the worse case scenarios. He was dying. He hit his head too hard and he was not going to wake up. He was in a coma. It was cancer. His heart exploded. He was on life support. He was dying. Kyle grasped his arms around his stomach and kept his focus on Will's stoic form and not the doctor in front of them. 

"Our best impression is that the infection entered through his hand. He has a few crescent shaped marks on his palms. It is quite common to have those sores if someone is clenching their fists too tight. We find it happens more in children and adolescents with anxiety or anger issues. Either way, one of them is an open wound. Wounds on hands are dangerous because of all the contact we have with contaminated surfaces in our natural environments. Our skin is a barrier, but infections are opportunists and they like to enter through open wounds. The infection probably was giving him a low grade fever for a few days. Maybe even higher fever spikes as his body tried to fight off the infection. But, given that he is dehydrated and a bit underweight, his body was not able to fight off the infection and it spread into his blood. Infections that are left untreated can turn to sepsis. The vital organs are not receiving the blood as they should because of all the chemicals in the blood trying to fight the infection and the body starts to shut down. His blood pressure was significantly low when he arrived here. It caused the fainting episode."

The doctor paused and looked around the room to see if there were questions. Waiting eight seconds and finding there were none, she continued. 

"We started the first dose of a powerful antibiotic and fluids. We have to wait to see how his body will respond to this treatment and then we decide what we will do moving forward. He is in relatively good health, which is positive. He is young, which is positive. The fluids will help with the dehydration and allow the antibiotic to work better. His heart rate was elevated, despite the low blood pressure. That happens with tachycardia sometimes. His body was in chaos. We gave him something to help even both out. He will likely stay asleep for the next few hours. His body needs rest." 

"And if the antibiotic doesn't work?" Woody asked. "What do you do then?" 

"We try another one." The doctor answered. 

"You said the vital...organs shut down?" Kyle asked pinching the inside of his arm to focus himself. "Does that mean we need, we need to be worried about...that?" 

"His kidneys were not working well when he arrived but we will see how they are once the antibiotic does its job. The fluids will help with that. His heart was likely affected, but it is evening out with the medication. This is scary but he is responding well. Again, he is in relatively good health and is young. He needed to come here sooner, but we likely started treatment in time to prevent any long term damage. Unfortunately, it is just a waiting game now." 

"When can we see him?" Will asked, finally saying something. 

"We ask that he have no visitors right now. He needs rest and is asleep. He will have medical staff checking on him through the night. Go home. Rest and come back in the morning. We will have a much better understanding of how he responded then. Honestly, you all need to take care of yourselves. That is the best you can do for him right now. Sleep. Eat a healthy breakfast and come back in the morning. I will not be on rotation after 7 am, but all my notes will be in his chart for the daytime physician assigned to him." 

Dick thanked her and the doctor left the room. 

"We are not, not going back? Right?" Kyle asked to Woody and Will. "We need to be here." 

"Let's go back to the venue and give the crew an update. You can rest and gather yourselves. I can have a car bring you here tomorrow." Dick opened his phone to start making notes for the next day. "I need to cancel the rest of the dates and send everyone home early. I will have Tracy make the arrangements for getting you home early. And the bus, we can turn that in early. Someone is going to have to deal with the equipment." 

Dick continued to make his list as the group looked to one another. 

"Let's go back to the bus." Woody stated, and cut Kyle off before he could protest. "We are all exhausted as well. We need to change and sleep. And get ourselves together so that we can be here tomorrow for him." 

Kyle shook his head but didn't argue. He wanted to stay but he wasn't going to stay in the waiting area by himself if they all left. 

The group went back to the venue and shared the information with everyone else. Unlike the night before, the crew was sober and everyone went to bed early. 

There was something cold moving through his arm that wasn't stopping. It made his body feel cold and he wanted to remove it. 

Reaching his right hand over to his left arm, Dan found there was something attached to his arm and it hurt when he pulled it. 

Opening his eyes, he blinked as the lights in the room attacked him. It was much too white for how bright it was. The light bounced around the room and made his eyes hurt. 

The walls were blurry and Dan realized he didn't have his contacts in. He didn't remember taking them out. 

His head was pounding, but the tight band that was around his head from before was gone. It was replaced with something that felt like a regular headache. 

Looking down to his body, he found he was in a white gown with white blankets covering him from his chest down. 

His arms were outside the blankets and were cold. Both of his palms were wrapped in white bandages. 

Hospital. 

He looked toward a machine over his head that was beeping. It didn't look like much, with a bright red light flashing as the machine kept beeping every two seconds. 

It was annoying and hurt his head. 

Trying to sit up to press whatever button he could find on the machine, another loud beeping noise echoed through the room. 

What the fuck was that? Dan thought to himself as lost his battle to sit up and allowed his shoulders and head to rest back against the bed. 

Closing his eyes, Dan hummed to himself to attempt to stop the beeping noises from echoing through his head. 

"Morning, sunshine." A chirpier voice called out into the room. "That mean machine saying your fluids are done? No worries. We will shut her up and get you a new bag." 

"What?" Dan managed to say through his dry mouth. 

"Oh, good." The voice was getting closer. "You are awake. Oh, the doctor is going to be happy about that." 

Dan opened his eyes to see an elderly woman stood near the bed and messing with the beeping machine. She seemed to have the magic combination because soon it stopped and the other loud beeping noise that was echoing through the room was turned off next. 

"We had a sensor on you in case you tried to move out of the bed." The woman explained as she took off what looked like a clear empty bag and started attaching another one to the machine. Dan saw the cords led to his arm and he wondered what she was giving him. As if she read his mind, she told him. "Your second IV bag was done and now you get another one. Exciting, isn't it? This is the good stuff. You have another hour on your antibiotic and then the fun machine will start making more noise again." 

The woman finished whatever she was going with the bags and turned to look down toward him. Her hands rested on the guardrail of the bed. "You look a lot better. The fluid is working. Your colour is coming back. How do you feel, sunshine?" 

"My head hurts." Dan kept his eyes open and was glad he could see her face. She looked kind, like a grandmother looking after her grandchild. "And I'm freezing." 

"It is the fluid. I'll get you a warm blanket after I tell the doctor you are awake." She moved his arms underneath the covers and continued to smile down at him. "Want some water? People typically say the room makes their mouth dry even with all that nice fluid going through your body." 

"Yes, please." Dan smiled back and rested his eyes. Outside of his head hurting and his dry mouth, his body felt good. There was no fluttering in his throat and his hands were not trembling. He forgot what normal felt like and he very much wanted it to stay.

"Oh, a polite one." The nurse said in her chirpier voice. "Yes, the doctor is going to be very pleased with you. My name is Donna. Press your button if you need anything. We have a foley in you so you don't need to get up to use the restroom. We can likely take that out soon since you are awake and looking so good." 

Dan laughed to himself as she said her name. The rest of what she said was lost on him because he focused on her name. They said Donna was going into nursing. Maybe he found her. "Do you know a Laura?" 

"Cannot say that I do." Donna checked the machines again and went to find the doctor. "Be right back with that warm blanket." 

Dan continued to rest his eyes as he waited for the nurse to return, still laughing at her name. Damn, these fluids were good. He felt healthy. 

Soon, there was a warm weight covering his body and he finally felt warm. Very warm and cozy. Sleepily cozy. 

"Hello there, Mr. Smith." Another voice that was not Donna was talking to him. "How are you feeling?" 

"Cozy." Dan sighed before he opened his eyes and saw a young man standing near his bed. He had a white lap coat on but he looked too young to be a doctor. "But my head hurts." 

"Yes. You fell on it last night. You have two stiches right by your hairline on your left side." The doctor watched his face for his response. "Do you know why you are in a hospital, Mr. Smith?"

"Please, Dan. Name is Dan." Dan closed his eyes and took a pause trying to remember everything. He remembered feeling ill. He remembered singing and going into the crowd. He remembered feeling like his head was going to be cut off around the middle, right above his eyes and ears. He remembered his heart beating too fast. Everything getting smaller. "I was ill. I went into the crowd but it didn't feel right. Like I could feel my breathing outside of me. My eyes tunneled." 

"Yes. Do you remember anything else?" 

"Massive headache. It was like I had a sweatband around my head that was too tight. Right above my eyes, wrapping around my head. And my heart was going too fast. I was forgetting words." Dan opened his eyes and found the doctor was listening but looking through a chart at the same time. "Sparkly eyed man. And I was tired. Fucking knackered. Sorry." 

"No, words have meaning. You were not simply knackered, you were fucking knackered." The doctor said in a joking tone. Donna was heard laughing in a distance. "The headache sounds like a tension headache. You have an infection. That is what made your body go offline. You were in bad shape when you arrived last night. Heart rate was elevated but your blood pressure was low, which is fucking bad. Your respiration was low. Blood work found you had an infection and a fever. Your kidneys were shutting down as well. We started you on a strong antibiotic and some IV fluids. You were dehydrated. Have you been sleeping?" 

"What is that, doctor?" Dan laughed but stopped because it hurt his head. "An infection?" 

"Yes. Our bodies are amazing creatures, but the world is out to get us at times. You have a open wound on your hand. The infection likely entered your body a few days ago and started working its charm on you. When did you start feeling ill?" 

"I dunno." Dan closed his eyes to concentrate. "I have been feeling poorly for...months? I dunno. Not this bad, just tired. I have the worst profession for my nerves. Seriously, and my mind doesn't shut off so it always feels like I need to be doing something. Even the past few days, when my whole body felt off, I couldn't sleep and I needed to be doing something. I kept falling asleep in random places. I am going to take a break. A long break." 

"That sounds like a good plan." The doctor's voice sounded light. 

Dan felt a wave of exhaustion from talking and he closed his eyes. When he opened them, the doctor was still near by entering in new information into the chart in his hands. 

"Is anyone here?" Dan asked in a shaky voice. He just realized he was all alone in the room. Where was everyone?

"We are still here. Donna and I." The doctor answered with a concerned look on his face. 

Realizing his mistake, Dan looked around the room, and then back toward the doctor. "No. Are my mates here? No one is in here with me." 

"The note said that there a few men with you last night. The night doctor sent them home and told them to come back in the morning since you were sleeping." The doctor smiled down at the worried look on Dan's face. "She knew you were going to sleep through the night and your mates needed to sleep. I'm sure they will be here soon. Is there anyone you want us to call? Your mother? Father? Another family member?" 

"Fuck." Dan closed his eyes again. He couldn't worry his mother with this. His father maybe but his mother didn't need the added stress. "No. Not right now. What happens next?" 

"Good question." The doctor turned toward the nurse. "Donna, can you have a phlebotomy tech draw his blood again? We need to see where he is at now that the antibiotic has been in his system." 

"I will go right now." Donna answered. "Anything for you, sunshine? Oh, I was going to get you water!" 

"Thank you." Dan smiled back toward her, she was just close enough that he could still see her face. 

"The blood work will tell us what we do next. Either you need more antibiotics or we can look at discharge. I want to keep you here for the rest of the day either way. See how your body responds." The doctor looked down at him. "And, maybe, force you to take a break for a few more hours. Limit your stimulation. You are sick. Enjoy the time to rest and set everything aside. Your life will be waiting for you when you are ready." 

"Thank you." Dan turned away as he felt himself blushing. The doctor was fit and Dan realized he was paying way too much attention to him. 

"Rest up." The doctor turned to leave the room. "There will be someone here soon to poke your arm and your antibiotic is almost done. Otherwise, we will leave you alone until we know something else." 

"Thank you." Dan turned his head and allowed himself to let himself rest against the bedding. 

"You are most welcome." 

"He looks better." Will said once everyone was in the room. All three of them crowding around the bed Dan laid in. He was wrapped up in a thick blanket and had colour in his cheeks. His face looked fuller and not as sunk in as last night. He had what looked like stiches near his hair. 

"He looks great except for the damn cords attached to his body." Woody said looking at the screen showing heart rate, blood pressure, and respiration. "And that IV likely going into his arm." 

Kyle didn't say anything but nodded his head when Will and then Woody turned to look at him.

Dan did look better but he was still in a hospital bed and soon he would wake to find the fallout from the show.

There were videos from every angle showing Dan loosing his words and then loosing control of himself. There were multiple angles of Dan collapsing onto himself and another man in the crowd.

Of his head hitting the dirty ground and bouncing up despite the same man attempting to block his fall. Kyle wished he knew who the man was because he needed to thank him. 

"Hello, everybody." Dan opened his eyes and found his mates around his bed. They came. He wasn't alone anymore. His head felt better and his body felt loads better. The blood work had not came back yet, but Dan was sure the medication was doing its job. 

"Hello you." Woody smiled seeing Dan looking back at him. "Gave us a right scare there, mate." 

"Sorry." Dan smiled back feeling even more himself. "Doctor said my body went offline. I guess I needed a reboot." 

"You look better." Will added to the conversation. "You feel better?" 

"Loads." Dan reached for the bed control and moved himself up so he could sit upright. Donna had showed him the buttons when she gave him water and a new warm blanket. She was very kind and Dan wanted to take her with him when he left. She would make a great tour mum. "Fluids are fucking wicked. Make you feel like a ice lolly though." 

"You seem pretty comfy in that bed." Woody laughed at Dan's content look. He couldn't remember the last time he saw Dan so carefree. Maybe never. "You will have to leave at some point. Remember that." 

"Well of course." Dan reached for his water on the table near the bed. Taking a drink, he put it back on the table and smiled back to everyone. He was chuffed they were all here. He chose to ignore that he had a lot of attention on him for a stupid reason because he was just so glad he wasn't alone in the room anymore. "We still have two more dates left. Doctor said I can likely leave tonight if the blood work comes back okay." 

"Dan." Woody moved closer. "We canceled the last two dates. Everyone is going home early. Dick is making arrangements to turn the bus in and get the rest of the instruments back to where they need to go. Break starts now." 

"What?" Dan's smile dropped from his face. "We don't cancel dates." 

"And we don't end up in hospital neither." Kyle said in a low voice with his covered arms wrapped around his stomach. He felt ill. "We couldn't have finished them. Not after last night. God. Dan, you have no idea." 

"What?" Dan asked looking between them. No one was answering. "Fucking what? Answer me." 

"There is video. A lot of video." Will answered looking down to his feet. "There were a lot of people with phones and you were in the audience. You are trending on Twitter. Management already is getting requests for interviews. There are people waiting outside." 

Dan felt the colour drain from his face and the uneasy feeling returned. Dammit. "Did anyone ring my parents? Let them know I'm okay?" 

"I did." Woody waited for Dan to look at him. "They are both worried. I talked them out of getting plane tickets. Said you, or we, would ring again when there was more information." 

"Was she okay?" Dan felt his stomach drop. She didn't need to worry about him. "You told her I was alright. Right?"

"I told her that you were here and what they told us last night. That you likely just needed treatment and rest. She was cross that you let yourself get worn down, but she understood. Said you like to run yourself ragged." 

"Fuck." Dan closed his eyes. This was turning into a nightmare. So much for that euphoric feeling he had before.

"Did the doctor say anything else?" Will asked after what felt like the appropriate amount of time. 

"Just waiting for the blood work. That I had an infection with a wicked fever. And I need rest." Dan opened his eyes and found Kyle stood away from them, looking out into the cloudy view of the hospital window. "Is there really people outside?" 

"Fans." Woody watched as Dan kept his attention on Kyle. "They went a bit mental when they saw us. We told them to spread the word that you were fine. Just ill and needed a rest. To go home but that you would be chuffed they had came." 

Dan hated that. Hated that there were people worried about him. And video of whatever had happened that led him here. There was a sick side of his brain that wanted to watch them just to see what he needed to be worried about. 

"Oh, sunshine. You have visitors. Told you they would come visit." Donna's pleasant voice filled the room and interpreted the awkwardness. "Can I talk in front of them? Or should we kick them out?" 

"No. Please let them stay." Dan smiled toward his nurse. "They are my family." 

"Handsome family." Donna teased as she stood near the table by his bed. "Good news. Doctor said the infection is responding to the treatment but he wants to give you one more dose before we think about discharging you. I'm going to get the bag. It will run for about four hours and then we see how you are then. Everything else came back within normal range. Your kidneys are good and your heart is good. Keep those bandages on your hands and keep them clean. You need to rest. And when I say rest, I mean rest. Like a kid home on a sick day. But keep drinking water and eat some good food. Speaking of, you are cleared for food. Kitchen can make you anything on the menu. Start light though." 

"I live in London. Can I fly home?" Dan asked happy that he could leave soon. He loved Donna but he wasn't ready to spend more time there if he could go. 

"You will have to ask the doctor when they go through discharge, but my guess is that he will want you to take a few days before you fly that far. You don't want to be in the air and something happens." Donna smiled. "Any more questions?" 

"No. Thank you." Dan waited for her to leave before he turned back to Will and Woody, Kyle was still stood with his back toward them. "Go home. Go kiss your wife and girlfriend. Spend these bonus days with your family. No need to stick around here. I'll get a room and play ill. Then in a few days, I'll fly home and we can put this all behind us." 

"Are you sure?" Woody asked. "We can stay. They are not expecting us home for a few more days anyway." 

"Fuck, no. Go home. We don't get bonus days so take advantage." Dan nodded to the group. "I am just going to sleep anyway. I will be so boring." 

"I'll stay with him." Kyle spoke to the window. "I don't have a girlfriend to go home to anymore and someone needs to stay with him." 

"Kyle." Dan said slowly. 

Turning to face the group, Kyle stood his ground. "I'm staying. You cannot be alone with all of us worried about you. You could have died. I'm staying. End of." 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Reference to a past sexual experience with shaky consent.

Dan was resting his eyes and working out a melody for a song in his head while he waited for Kyle to come back.

"Power." Dan hummed. "Power." 

Kyle had went to a shop to get water and some healthy snacks for their hotel stay leaving him completely alone for the first time since before he went on stage two nights ago. Kyle had been checked in since last night and had brought Dan's bag from the bus. The bus, and the people had used it for their home for the past few months, was now on its way home. 

Will and Woody left following his discharged from hospital earlier that afternoon. Dan told everyone that he loved them and was so appreciative for taking care of him, but to go home.

Kyle and him would stay at the hotel from the next few days and fly home later. Dan needed to rest and take the rest of his antibiotics, and then return to the hospital to have more blood work and another exam. If the doctor cleared him, they would return to London together. 

What "together" meant had not been completely discussed yet. 

Kyle was in protective mode and insisted on taking care of him. Which Dan hated, but he knew it would make Kyle feel better so he was going along with it.

And, if he was completely honest with himself, there was a small part of his heart that loved that it was Kyle that was staying behind with him. 

Thus why he promised Kyle that he wasn't going to use the internet while he was away. His number two coping mechanism. Writing music was his first coping mechanism, but due to his terrible memory, he needed the phone or laptop to record his thoughts. He forgot about his coping mechanism when he told himself that he was going on break from music.

And now there was a lyric in his head that wanted out. 

"Blows my mind to think I ever let you hold it over me..." Dan opened his eyes and stared at the bare ceiling above him. "Power." 

He needed to get it on his phone before it took over his day. 

It was often maddening to be inside his head. 

Raising his bandaged hand, Dan went to brush his forehead but then stopped himself. He didn't want to mess with the stitches. 

"If you're gonna hit me, hit me harder..." Dan moved his hand further up his head and used only his fingers to run through his hair. It wasn't the same and it didn't have the same calming effect. "POWER!" 

Sitting up, he swung his legs to the side of the bed and decided he was a grown man and he could do what he wanted without permission. 

He really wanted to look at the videos. He knew he would cringe but it was unsettling to know that there was footage out there of him collapsing and being fussed over.

He wanted to see what people were saying and tell them to stop wasting their time worrying about him. He wasn't worth their worry. He was fine.

His head hurt a bit and he was cold, but he felt the best he had felt in literally years. Compared to the past few days, he felt like he could run a marathon or climb a building. He understood now how much the infection was taking a toll on him. And now, without the toxins inside him, he felt healthy again. 

Standing up, he hummed out the melody again. He would sneak on his phone quickly to just get it out of his head. Kyle would be back any minute, but he could just sing it and turn the phone back off.

Wrapping his sweatshirt around his waist tighter, he walked to his bag sat on the desk. He would do it quickly and then put it right back.

Unlocking the screen, Dan's thumb hovered over the sound file app. Right next to it was an internet browser and further down on the page was the YouTube app.

Looking toward to hotel door and then the large table clock in the room, Dan decided he had time. 

He went onto YouTube first and typed in his name. Before he finished typing "performance" there were suggestions showing the name of the city they were in and a combination of terms related to "injury," "falling," and "flaws."

He clicked on the first one of many and turned up the volume. It started with him on stage. The person was toward the front of the crowd. They had him talking to the audience, with his words cutting out and his eyes closing multiple times as he spoke. Dan thought he had been hiding it well at that point but he was wrong.

He saw himself sway and turn to Coop. He made a dumb joke about Will and then start singing. He didn't sound his best but he was keeping it together.

He briefly saw Kyle shaking his head to him as he jumped into the crowd and then everything went crazy on the video. People were singing along and jumping with him. He was lost in the crowd but you could still hear his voice. He missed a lot of words and and there was loud breathing into the microphone.

Then there was a few screams and people shouting. The phone was moved closer but you couldn't see anything. And then a rush of people talking all at once. He heard, "Oh my God" and "Did he fall?" There was someone crying near the the person recording and then it cut off.

Dan clicked on the next one on the list. This one was from somewhere toward the back of the floor. His voice went in and out like the last one, but the person had been closer when he fainted. The video was close up and you could see his eyes closing as he jumped and his face getting paler. He had completely stopped singing but he didn't realize it and then his eyes rolled back and he fell so fast the video cut to a shot of the floor. There were shoes and a lot of shouting around the phone.

This video continued despite not seeing much. The crowd was shouting for help and slowly each of the instruments stopped. Woody hit the snare drum one last time and then the shouting was louder for "Help" and "Someone do something!"

The video moved quick as someone shoved the person holding the phone and then it stopped.

Going back to the list, Dan looked through his options until he found one that said "Dan on the ground." The screen shot showed him laying on the floor with a panicked man's face near him. The video was taken from the beginning of Flaws. There was not much to be seen until he came closer to the person video recording. He looked horrible. Pale and sweaty, with his eyes randomly closing and opening. Each time they shut, it took longer for them to open. He looked high.

He wondered if people thought that. That he was on drugs and collapse because he took too many. People wouldn't think that? Would they? That was not him.

The video showed him jumping more until his body just collapsed, falling onto the person jumping next to him. The man reached for him and then moved a hand to his head. It wasn't quick enough and he saw his head hit the floor, with the man's hand near his ear. People were shouting and most jumped back. He laid there motionless, with the man holding his head looking scared. The man told someone to call "911" and then everyone started to panic around him.

The video moved around as the music stopped and people were shoving to get closer, or further away. Kyle's back came into view and he could see how he was shaking. The video cut off with Dick telling everyone to back away.

There were more, but he couldn't watch them. He had seen enough. He saw the looks on everyone's faces and how he had traumatized most of them.

He saw Kyle's shaking frame and he knew he freaked everyone out.

He freaked himself out. Just watching it, it was terrifying. His family could never see that. Not his eyes rolling back in his head and his head bouncing on the floor.

He was lucky that the guy had broken most of his fall. He would have likely hit his head a lot harder if he wasn't there. He would be dealing with a concussion on top of everything else.

He stupidly looked at the comments thinking someone would mention the man's name and had to stop after the first three. Not only did he traumatized the people in the audience, he had traumatized the people clicking on the videos as well.

Closing the app, he went to Twitter and found he had multiple DMs and @replies. There was too many to read through and he clicked off. Everyone was messaging him wishing he was okay and asking what happened.

Going to turn the phone off, he thought better of it and opened up Twitter to type something.

**Thank you everyone for your kind messages. I'm fine. I was ill and my body decided I needed a rest.**

**So sorry for worrying everyone. Please, PLEASE stop watching the videos.**

**So sorry for canceling the last dates. We will make it up to you. I promise. **

**It was not drugs. Just exhaustion from touring. Promise. **

**Please stop posting the videos. It is too much to watch. **

He found he had too much to say and his tweets were starting other conversations. Getting overwhelmed, he turned his phone off and walked toward the window. 

The controller for the heating was near him so he turned it up more. He was fairly sure that 80 degrees Fahrenheit should be warm enough.

The city below him was busy and it was a nice day. Unlike yesterday, there were no clouds and the sun was out.

He was meant to be discharged the day before but another blood draw found that the infection was still in his system. They gave him another round of IV antibiotics and kept him for observation overnight.

If sleeping on a moving tour bus was hard, it wasn't nearly as impossible as sleeping at a hospital at night. There were multiple people in and out of his room. People that were poking him and delivering random linens and towels. Then there were people in the hallways making sounds. 

He was released with strict orders to rest and drink water. Donna gave him a hug before she left the previous night and he had two new nurses before he was discharged. They were nice but they were not Donna nice. 

Hearing the door open, Dan walked toward it to help Kyle with the bags.

"No, no. Doctor's orders were to rest. Not help a fully capable grown man with shopping bags." Kyle scolded when he saw Dan coming his way.

Dan sat on the bed, with his back resting against the headboard and pulled his sweatshirt tighter around him. His hands were still bandaged and he tucked them underneath each arm to keep them warm. He watched as Kyle stocked the mini fridge with some water and a few of the cool snacks.

Kyle stood when he was done and looked the room over. It was a medium sized room, with two queen beds. Taking off his jacket, he sat on his bed. Kyle noticed Dan was shivering. "Cold still?"

"Yes. I turned the heating up but only a few minutes ago." Dan tried to stop his body from shivering. He didn't want Kyle to worry more about him. "I'll be fine once it kicks on. Still cold from the IVs I suppose."

"What else you get up to?" Kyle asked moving to sit on Dan's bed. He wanted to see if Dan would tell him the truth as he had already been notified of the multiple tweets Dan had sent out while he was gone.

"Nothing much. I have a melody and some lyrics stuck in my head that wouldn't let me sleep." Dan spoke down to his chest, avoiding eye contact. "I was going to put it on the phone, but...then I got curious. They are so horrible."

"Yes. They are." Kyle moved closer so that he could sit with his back against the headboard as well, with his arm brushing Dan's and his leg straight along Dan's. Pushing his leg out so the outside of his thigh hit Dan's, Kyle titled his head. "See why we all told you the rest were canceled and that you should stay off the internet?"

"My mum can't see that." Dan leaned his head down so that his head rested on Kyle's shoulder. It was the side without the stitches so he didn't have to be careful. He hadn't bothered with his glasses, or contacts, neither. "I should ring her. What time is it there?"

"A good time." Kyle answered as he looked down to the top of Dan's head resting on him. His hair was flat but not as flat as it had been when he was sitting on the toilet floor in the venue. "Want to use my phone?"

"Yes." Dan sunk in further to the warmth of Kyle and closed his eyes. This is what he needed before when he was trying to sleep. And last night when he was in the cold hospital room with too many sounds. 

"Or do you want to sleep? We can text her and then you can speak to her later." Kyle moved his arm slowly around Dan's back so he didn't disturb him too much. Putting his hand underneath Dan's arm to wrap around his chest, he moved them both so that they were now lying with Kyle's head on the pillow and Dan's head tucked into his neck. Dan curled his leg over his and sighed, with his warm breath on Kyle's throat.

"Want to sleep like this." Dan let out another sigh as Kyle pulled him closer and rested his chin onto the top of his head. "Finally warm like this."

"Sleep." Kyle whispered down to him and felt Dan's body go lax, the arm Dan had on Kyle's stomach feeling heavier and anchoring Kyle to the bed.

Taking a deep breath, Kyle let it out and closed his own eyes. He could finally catch up on his own missed sleep for the past two nights. He couldn't sleep on the bus nor in this hotel room last night knowing Dan was in hospital.

The images of Dan's body shutting down in front of everyone captured on so many mobile phones.

The bounce of his head against the floor. 

The feeling of utter dread waiting in the hospital while the doctors assessed Dan and no one knew what was going on. How it would turn out. 

Dan was lucky his organs didn't shut down. Lucky that the infection had responded to the antibiotics and he didn't need to stay in hospital longer. 

Kyle didn't want to think of the alternative so he stopped himself. 

Dan was lying on top of him and healthy. He wanted to focus on that. 

It was dark when Dan woke up. He was lying with his head on Kyle's chest and both his arm and leg wrapped around the taller man. Kyle had a narrow body but it was all lean muscle and he felt solid underneath him.

Kyle was still asleep, letting out little snore sounds that were similar to what he heard from across the hallway on the bus. Or when they had to share hotel rooms on the road. He had never been this close to the sound before. Nor had he ever felt the sound on his cheek as Kyle's chest moved up and stop with his breathing.

It felt right.

He never slept on someone before as a grown person. 

He had only fallen asleep with a few drunken one nights in his life. All of them had been woman.

All of them, ha. The two people had been woman.

The man hadn't let him sleep over. Not that he would have. 

All the other ones were quick mutual wanks and then moving on their way. And even those were few and far between. 

Hearing Kyle's breathing change, he felt him squeeze his back. Looking up, he saw Kyle's confused face looking down at him.

"Morning?" Kyle asked.

"I think it is late still." Dan would look for a clock but he didn't care right now. He didn't need to take the next antibiotic until the next day. And, he was too comfortable where he was and did not want to entertain the idea of moving yet. "You snore."

"You know this." Kyle stretched his legs and then arms before his arm was attached to Dan's back again.

"I've never slept with someone before sober." Dan spoke into Kyle's chest. He wasn't sure why he blurted it out. Probably because he wanted to show Kyle that after years of essentially living on top of each other there were still things they did not know about one another. "I've never kissed anyone sober neither. Except you."

"Never?" Kyle asked, his body shifting as he looked down toward Dan. Kyle wondered how many people he had kissed himself. He knew the majority of them involved alcohol. Not all of them though.

"First was a bloke in secondary school. He was a mate of a mate and I snuck out to drink and hang out with them. We kissed on a bench in the middle of the night. Never saw him again." Dan moved his hand down Kyle's stomach to find Kyle's hand. His hand was large and fit his hand well. "Next was a woman in uni. She was very intoxicated and likely only kissed me because she was drunk. The next was one that kissed me on a pity date. Her friend fancied a mate of mine. It was right before I lost the weight. She wanked me off and we fell asleep. She was still drunk when she woke up in the morning. The next was drunk from a party we were at. She kissed me and then almost sicked up on me. We fell asleep on the same bed, but she kicked me out early the next morning. The next one was a man."

Dan paused, wondering how much he wanted to share with Kyle about him.

"Was he drunk too?" Kyle asked curious. He was content to listen to what Dan had to say, happy that they were finally talking about this.

"No, but I was. He was older. I was still getting used to my new body and decided to be brave. I met him at a pub that was for men. I was shaking so bad walking in there." Dan stopped and took a breath. "He found me and started talking to me. He was nice, but older so I didn't think much of it. He wasn't drinking but he kept buying them for me. Then he asked me to go home with him. I was so fucking lonely and wanted to just get it over with. So I went. I didn't like it. He was rough with me and didn't listen when I told him it hurt. He said it was supposed to hurt."

"Dan." Kyle let the name draw out, unsure of what to say.

Dan took another deep breath and then let it out slowly. "He came inside me and then told me to leave. I felt disgusted with myself. I wasn't ready and I didn't want _that_. I told myself I didn't need to be with anyone. Whether it was a man or a woman. Then this all started with the band. It was easier to have one offs with men here and there. Nothing special, just wanks. No kisses."

"Fuck." Kyle used his free hand to run his fingers through Dan's hair and felt Dan's whole body sigh into the touch. He continued the even movements through his hair, applying gentle pressure to the top of his head similar to the pressure that allowed Dan to fall asleep on him on the bus. 

"Yeah." Dan let the silence fill the room, with only the sound of the heater blowing air into the room. He could fall asleep again just by Kyle's fingers. The motion was comforting when he did it to himself but intensified greatly when Kyle did it for him. 

"I have been with..." Kyle stopped to think. "Maybe six women? Mostly in uni. One in secondary school. I don't know how many people I have kissed. A few men, like I said. One of them, we kinda rubbed each other off through our trousers but nothing more than that."

"I don't want anything more than kissing for right now." Dan spoke low and into Kyle's chest. He wanted to be with Kyle but he wanted to take it slow. Very slow so that he knew he was ready this time.

"Same." Kyle kept his hand in Dan's hair and kissed the top of Dan's forehead. "To be honest, I was panicking a bit about that."

"Are you gay?" Dan fidgeted with Kyle's fingers in his own, wanting to squeeze his fist but knowing it wasn't a good idea. "Because I don't know if I am."

"I would say no, I guess?" Kyle watched the outline of Dan on top of him. He wasn't sure. He hadn't thought about it in forever. "Bi? Maybe? What else is there?"

"There are loads of labels." Dan moved his head up so that he could see Kyle, Kyle's hand stilling in his hair at the movement. "I like woman. I like men. I don't really want to be in a relationship with anyone though. Not even just for sex. But, maybe only with you."

"For how long?" Kyle smiled. "How long have you wanted to be with me?" 

"Dunno." Dan shied his eyes away, and laid his head back on Kyle's chest. Untangling his hand from Kyle's, Dan used it to pull the hood up over his head. Hiding away in a warm cocoon. 

"I don't believe you." Kyle whispered into the hood covering Dan's head. Seeing he was not getting a reaction, Kyle tried another tactic. "I'll tell you if you tell me."

Dan paused and counted to three in his head. Mumbling into Kyle's chest, "Uni."

Kyle's pushed back the hood so he could hear better. "What did you say?" 

"University." Dan said a bit louder but still mumbled into Kyle's chest and then put the hood back over his head. 

"We didn't even know each other then." Kyle rubbed his hand up and down Dan's back in even movements. 

"No. We had spoken to each other." Dan closed his eyes tighter and fought to keep his voice loud enough so Kyle could hear without him pulling the hood off again. "I just didn't look like this. We met one night at the radio station. It was late and I was doing coursework there, trying not to fall asleep because it was late and I was meant to keep the music going. You came round. You were drunk. You had someone with you. A blond? Said you needed somewhere to be together. You went into a room and came out looking flushed. You were beautiful. You asked if I had a condom. I couldn't answer you because I didn't have one, no need for me to have one, and you just looked so perfect. I shook my head and you winked at me. You were not in there much longer. The lady stormed out and you sat next to me. Asked what I was playing. You hated it. Your hair was still messed up and you were breathing heavy at first. You left soon afterward."

"Why did you never tell me this?" Kyle stilled his hand on Dan's back. "Why did you act like you didn't know me at Ralph's house party?" 

"Because it was embarrassing and it wasn't a good story to share." Dan buried his head against Kyle's chest more and wished he would go back to rubbing his back. 

"But you could have told me." Kyle traced the Dan's back with his finger tips and felt Dan's body shudder against his own. Kyle knew Dan was responsive to touch, thus why he found any reason to touch him over the years, but he didn't know he liked it this much. 

"I just did." Dan waited a few seconds. "When did you know?"

Kyle smiled down. "Uni. You were sitting in a room and I almost had just gotten laid."

"Don't tease me." Dan shook his head against Kyle's chest. He felt vulnerable enough sharing that he had lied to Kyle because he was embarrassed that Kyle had no idea who he was when they met the second time. He wasn't memorable. Not like Kyle's dark eyes had been to him. 

"Honestly, I don't know. It just happened over the years." Kyle answered. "I didn't think your answer would be so epic. I wish I had a grand moment to share."

"It is not just because you feel sorry for me?" Dan's voice shook despite him trying to keep it neutral. He was grateful they were not looking at one another. He wouldn't have been able to ask if they were. 

"No." Kyle moved so he was face to face with Dan. Pulling back the hood so he could see him but it was still covering Dan's head, Kyle asked, "Why would you say that? Never."

"Because you are taking care of me and if I am not in the band, then no one has a job." Dan turned his eyes down. "It makes sense to take care of me and pity me so you still have a job. And that sounds so narcissistic and pompous but I just want to make sure. This is not just because of the job, right?"

"No." Kyle moved down further and waited until Dan looked up at him. "It is because I love you."

"I love you. But we all say that to each other." Dan shook his head and pulled the hood down more to cover his eyes. 

"I'm in love with you. Broke up with my girlfriend ages ago because I realized that she made me feel nothing like what I felt with you. We were only mates but so much better than being with her. I was scared and didn't know how you would react. Then you started losing your mind and you kissed me. Then I knew it was real, but you kept pulling away from me." Kyle pushed the hood off again but Dan had his eyes closed. "You kept brushing it off as nothing." 

"I thought you were just pitting me."

"I'm not." Kyle leaned forward to kiss him and waited for Dan to kiss him back. He didn't, staying still until Kyle removed his lips. Taking a breath, Kyle continued, "Promise."

"Promise?" Dan repeated low and a bit shaky.

"Promise."

"Kyle." Dan swallowed and then looked up, their faces were impossibility close together. "I'm in love with you."

"Good thing." Kyle smiled and leaned forward again, this time to have Dan respond back to the kiss. Kyle deepened the kiss and felt the scratch of Dan's new bread against his lips. That was a new sensation that he was not happy about. Giving him one last chaste kiss on his lips, Kyle leaned his forehead against Dan's, so his head was half way inside the large hood, "Need to shave, mate." 

"I will." Dan moved his head so he was resting against Kyle's chest again. He was exhausted and wanted to sleep more. His sweatshirt was tight around him and Kyle was rubbing up and down his back. "But in the morning." 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aftermath

He kept the shower water a little cooler than he normally would. He had woken up with Kyle wrapped around his back and the room boiling. He was sweating and finally felt too warm. It was nice for a minute because his body had been so cold, but soon it was unbearable. 

He gingerly moved out from underneath Kyle and turned the heating down to a number he thought would be better. He then dug through his bag to find something clean to wear. They hadn’t done laundry in a minute because everyone knew they were going home soon. 

Dan grabbed his phone on the way to the bathroom. The damn lyrics keep repeating itself in his head and he was going to put it into the phone to at least get it out. 

After drying himself off and then quickly dressing, attempting to ignore the large awkward mirrors hotels loved to put in bathrooms directly across from the shower, he opened his phone and responded back to a few messages from family and mates. He assured them that he was fine and that he was resting until he could be cleared to fly home. 

He made sure to send his mother a more detailed message just so she would understand that he really was fine and he was not just trying to make a good impression with everyone. He told her that he felt the best he had felt in forever and that he was looking forward to coming home and seeing her himself. He hoped she listened and was not worrying about him. 

Then he opened the app on his phone and sang out the different lyrics. A few bass lines and something else that might go into the background. He sang out the different versions of what was repeating in his head until he heard a knock on the door. 

Opening it slowly, Dan gave Kyle a sheepish grin and waited for his scolding. 

“Sounds good.” Kyle stood in the doorway and not so subtly looked the man inside over. Dan looked good in an old t-shirt and loose trackies. It would have been something he would have worn to bed. He had shaved as well, much to his delight. His hair was styled up and back, but not television worthy. He looked healthy. “You look good.” 

“Thanks.” Dan smiled down to his feet and opened up the door more. “You must want in here. Sorry for hogging it.” 

“No worries, babe.” Kyle moved into the room and for a few seconds they were chest to chest as they passed each other. Kyle watched as Dan stood in the doorway, as if he wanted to say something. “What?” 

“Sounds weird you calling me that.” Dan wrapped his arm across his stomach and held his arm at the elbow. He looked shy. “Now, I mean.” 

“I call everyone that.” Kyle moved from one foot to another waiting for Dan to say something else. He really needed to use the toilet and he was not above just turning to use it while Dan watched because he had done it before, but he sensed he needed to be extra careful right now with him. “Listen, I would love to chat about nicknames but I have to wee.” 

“Sorry, yes.” Dan turned and walked back into the main area. 

He heard the door shut and went to the fridge in the room to get water. He needed to take his antibiotic and he was starving. He grabbed more snacks than he needed and sat in the chair near the window while he had his breakfast. It was around nine in the morning and Dan realized he often did not see this hour unless they had an early interview, or, as he experienced recently, he was in hospital. 

Kyle took a shower while he was in the bathroom and brushed his teeth as well. When he came out, he found Dan on his second bottle of water and an open box of breakfast bars in front of him. He was singing into the phone again and stopped mid-word when he saw Kyle looking at him. 

“What?” Dan asked sitting the phone down on his lap. He found that Kyle was stood in front of him in a towel that hung low around his waist. He quickly turned his eyes back to his phone. He had seen Kyle in various states of dress over the years. He always had looked away before and he didn’t know if he was allowed to look now. 

“This taking a break?” Kyle answered as he held onto the towel around his waist while he went through his own bag for clothes. He had more clean ones because he had just recently took time to do laundry. 

“Yes.” Dan answered looking through his phone at the various sound files he had created since this morning. “I need it out of my head. It won’t stop and it creates more stress to fight it. The tour is done. We don’t have interviews or promotion. I can’t go home. I can’t go on the internet. What else am I supposed to do? Sitting and waiting is not my strong suit.” 

“It was not a judgment.” Kyle put his shirt on and then hesitated. If it was any other hotel share, he would have dropped the towel and put his clothes on without thinking about it. Now, he wasn’t sure what signal that would send Dan. Debating for a few more seconds, Kyle unwrapped the towel and moved to put the rest of his clothes on. 

When he looked up, he saw Dan watching him with his phone once again abandoned. “What?”

“That is weird now too.” Dan turned his eyes away and went back to the phone. He saw a new message and replied to it quickly, attempting to avoid the conversation longer. 

“We need to figure this out because there is a possibility for a lot of normal things to feel weird now.” Kyle sat down on the bed nearest the chair Dan was sat in. “It will get less weird over time, right?” 

“I guess.” Dan put down his phone and stood, walking into Kyle’s space, his body in between his open legs. Raising his hands, his moved his fingers through Kyle’s wet hair and just looked down at him. He had taken his bandages off before taking a shower. He kept them off because both hands looked better with the creams the doctors had used and Dan had not reopened them since being in hospital. He was still being careful with them and made sure not to get his palms wet. 

Kyle placed his hands on Dan’s thighs and pulled him a bit closer to him. “Hungry?” 

“Yes. Starving.” Dan kept the even movement through Kyle’s hair and noticed how he would shut his eyes when Dan’s fingers reached the back of his head. Maybe head massages were universal pleasures. It was a running gag that Kyle was a kitten but everyone like to be massaged. 

“Room service?” Kyle closed his eyes and kept them closed, leaning his head forward so that he was almost touching Dan’s waist. Dan’s hands moved back even further toward the back of his neck and he had to sigh at how good it felt. He could deal with the weirdness if they could continue to do this. 

“Looked it over.” Dan moved his hands down the back of Kyle’s neck and then up to run over the shorter hairs on the back of his head, Kyle’s forehead now fully resting against his stomach. He liked this. He liked caring for Kyle and Kyle letting him. “Nothing sounds good on it. I want waffles or pancakes...and something meaty.” 

Kyle let out a laugh given the position they currently were in. If they were just mates still, he would make a penis joke but now it didn’t seem appropriate. 

“What?” Dan used his hands to push Kyle’s head back so he was looking up at him. “What did I say?” 

“Nothing.” Kyle shook his head and stood, his body flush against Dan’s. Dan’s hands fell to rest around his waist as Kyle leaned forward to kiss Dan. Two soft pecks on his lips and then he stood back. “Hello.” 

“Hello.” Dan’s eyes shied away from Kyle’s and he leaned his head down against Kyle’s shoulder. With this height different, it was perfect for resting his head against the same spot he had fallen asleep on the night before. 

“This is weird.” Kyle wrapped his arms around Dan’s back and swayed them a bit. “But I really, really like it.” 

“Same.” Dan heard Kyle's stomach growl breaking the moment and causing them both to laugh. 

“Take away or going somewhere?” Kyle went back to their original dilemma. 

“I don’t want to go anywhere yet.” Dan closed his eyes. “Everyone is sending me articles about it and, apparently, I was on the news. The national news. Both here and home. They showed video of me falling and lying there. And someone had me being rolled into the ambulance. I don’t want to run into anyone yet. We should have went to a different city. It is stupid, because who would really care, but I don’t want to go out if it means talking to someone. Not yet.” 

“So you are going to make me venture out into the wolves?” Kyle teased as he kissed the top of Dan’s head, or really his hair since it was styled up. 

“No. Take away.” Dan stood back and looked up. “Order something and have it delivered.” 

“Only if you share with me the song you were working on in the toilet.” 

Kyle finally talked Dan into sharing the sound files with him after their breakfast was ordered.

It didn’t take long until there was a knock on the door and they turned off the phone to eat. It was good and from a local breakfast place that delivered. Which was amazing. Living in London meant that they were spoiled when it came to different services available to them. You didn’t always find breakfast delivery places in America. 

After both had eaten their full breakfast and drank more water, Dan cleaned up their mess and sat back in his chair from before. Kyle had went to use the toilet and he had a second to himself. 

Looking around the room, it all hit him at once. 

Fuck. He could have died. 

His heart started beating faster and he wondered if it was the infection again or just his thoughts. 

His breathing was increasing as well and he felt that panicky feeling that took him over at times. 

The room was too quiet. 

By the time Kyle returned, he was in full panic mode. Kyle didn’t notice it at first, as he was talking about something that Dan couldn’t make out. He sat back on the bed near the chair and then he must have noticed something wasn’t right. 

“Dan?” Kyle waited but all he got was Dan looking toward him with wide eyes. Moving so he was on his knees on the ground between Dan’s legs, Kyle rested his hands on Dan’s thighs and tried again. “Dan?” 

“Fuck.” Dan’s eyes followed Kyle’s movement but he didn’t know what else to do. 

There wasn't any stage he was going on. No award show were he needed to talk to people that were too famous to care about him. 

He looked at Kyle’s hair and tried to focus on a strand of his hair that was falling away from the rest. It was one of the longest bits and it stood out from the rest like a petulant child refusing to get in queue. 

He covered Kyle’s hands with his own and started working on his breathing next. It took awhile but he could finally control it enough that he could do slow in and out breathing. 

After what felt like forever, he found his heart slowing down again and he could feel Kyle’s hands on his legs and underneath his hands. Dan’s hands were trembling and Kyle moved his to start massaging them, fingers to wrist and then back down again. 

“There we go.” Kyle gave him encouragement when he heard Dan’s breathing even out and the trembling decreasing in his hands. “You are okay, mate. Just keep breathing through it.” 

“Fuck.” Dan let out a slow breath and took his eyes away from the hair strand to look at Kyle’s face. “What the fuck was that?” 

“I dunno.” Kyle kept massaging his hands, just now a bit slower and with less pressure. “You looked panicked.” 

“I think I just realized how messed up the last few days have been.” Dan took a deeper breath and found that his heart had settled itself. “Over a little fucking cut in my hand.” 

“It was more than that.” Kyle held Dan’s arms at the wrists and rested them on top of Dan’s legs. 

“What do you mean?” Dan made eye contact with Kyle and held it, confused. 

“How did you get that sore on your hand?” 

“Stress.” 

“From?” 

“The tour and being on the road.” 

“And?” 

“I dunno.” 

“Bullshit. Be honest.” 

“Because...I was trying to fight it.” Dan looked down on his lap and wished he had a hood to hide underneath again. “Trying to fight wanting this. Wanting someone.” 

“The universe has a way of slapping you in the face.” Kyle agreed. 

Dan paused and then asked. “Can I tell you something weird?” 

“I love weird.” 

“Remember when I said there was a man at the car park...that rest area? The one you almost left me behind at?” 

“Yes. I remember the panic I felt not knowing where you were and what would have happened to you alone in the middle of nowhere.” 

Dan blushed hearing that Kyle was concerned about him. He would sort that out later though. 

“I saw him again.” Dan wanted to move his hands through his hair but Kyle was still holding his wrists. “I have been seeing him at different places. Randomly. But he is not always the same person.” 

“Okay.” Kyle narrowed his eyes. 

“I told you it was weird.” Dan moved his hands to get Kyle to release them. His hands were no longer shaking and he risked running his hand across his forehead and then through his hair. That felt better. “He was at the bookshop. And in the audience right before I collapsed. I think maybe he was the one that stopped my head from hitting the floor too hard.” 

“That was just a random person in the crowd.” Kyle stood to sit on the desk next to Dan’s chair. “He didn’t look like the man in that poster at all.” 

“I said he didn’t always look the same. In the bookshop, he was an elderly man with white hair.” Dan looked up quickly to see what reaction Kyle was having and then started messing with the bottom of his shirt. He didn’t believe him. 

Kyle sat and thought for a minute until he remembered something. “The doctor, the first one, I don’t know if you remember her, she said that you had a fever for a few days. That it was likely that you were having fever spikes. That could cause hallucinations, right? It must have been, that.” 

“Oh.” Dan kept his eyes down and pulled the shirt as he shifted in the chair. “What an idiot.” 

“Why are you an idiot?” Kyle asked and waited for a response. 

“I thought maybe...I dunno.” Dan pulled at his shirt and then shifted around in the chair again. Dammit, he hated feeling like this. “Maybe...that someone was watching out for me. You know?” 

“What? Like a guardian angel or something?” Kyle asked without judgement. 

“I dunno. Something like that. It was stupid.” Dan crossed his arms around his waist to stop the urge to fidget. “Never mind.” 

“No. I like that.” Kyle smiled down. “I like the idea that someone is looking out for you.” 

“He said that I needed to fight for what I wanted. I think he gave me the title for the next album and about a million song ideas.” Dan bit the inside of his lip, his eyes down on his bare feet. “That it would get better. They were all nice things to hear.” 

“If it was a hallucination, you realize that it was just you talking to yourself right?” Kyle smiled again when he saw the realization on Dan’s face. “Just you reassuring yourself that it was okay. That you were okay.” 

“But then I ignored it so it tried to kill me.” Dan looked up quickly and then back down again. “I almost died. That is fucking scary. I felt like I was dying. Not when I was on stage. I felt really disoriented and things were slowing down. Getting blurry but I told myself to just power through it. I kept waking up and wearing voices that I couldn’t make out. My heart was going too fast and then too slow. Everything just faded in and out.” 

“I can’t even imagine.” 

“One of the videos I saw ...you looked scared.” Dan stopped himself from clenching his fists. 

“Fucking terrified.” Kyle took a breath and wrapped his own arms around his stomach. “Everyone didn’t know what to do and you were just lying there. Your head was bleeding and I didn’t know what to do. There was nothing I could do. Then people were taking you away and asking us questions. And, then waiting in hospital with no one telling us what was going on. How you were. I thought maybe you had died, or that you were going to die.” 

“I’m sorry.” Dan said in a low tone, almost too quiet to be heard. He didn’t like that he made Kyle feel helpless. 

“Not your fault.” Kyle reached his hand out and waited for Dan to notice it was there. “Come lie down with me.” 

When they were back in bed, this time using the fresh one, Dan curled back into Kyle’s body heat and let his eyes rest. 

“This isn’t going to ruin the band, is it?” Dan asked finding that sleep was not coming until they talked more. “I don’t want my wanting this to ruin everything we worked so hard for. That wouldn't be fair to everyone.” 

“Who said this would ruin the band?” Kyle brushed his hand through Dan’s hair and felt him relax against him. Secret calming weapon initialized. 

“Woody. Dick.” 

“Sounds like a group of people named after penises that are ironically cock blocking.” 

“Shut up.” Dan closed his eyes and pressed into the pressure on his head. “This is serious. This ruins careers.” 

“Or will it just make us that much better?” Kyle used his other hand to wrapped around Dan’s hand, bringing them up to rest on his chest. “Just think how much more you would write if I gave you head rubs everyday. And we need all the help we can get.” 

“Head rubs?” Dan asked shyly. 

“What I’m doing right now.” Kyle stopped his hand to emphasize what he meant. “You like them. I can make you turn to goo when I do this.” 

“Fuck off.” Dan said as he betrayed himself and sighed into the touch as Kyle’s hand started moving again. “You were keen on it when I did it earlier as well.” 

Acting on a thought, Dan moved so that he was straddling Kyle’s waist and ran his fingers through Kyle’s hair. Kyle opened his eyes and sighed just as heavily into his touch as Dan had. 

“I can make you turn to goo too.” Dan smirked down to him when he saw Kyle open his eyes. They were half hooded and he looked very content. 

Kyle swallowed and said, “Don’t sit back.” 

“Why?” Dan started to move off him, thinking that he was hurting him. 

Kyle grabbed for his wrists and kept Dan from moving away. His breathing was labored and he wondered if they were ready for this next part of being with someone. 

Dan looked down between them and saw what Kyle was worried about. He was hard and his joggers were raised. “Oh.” 

“Just give me a minute and it will go away.” Kyle closed his eyes away from the apparent fascination shown on Dan’s face with the knowledge of what the position had done to Kyle. 

“What if we do something about it?” Dan asked feeling brave. Leaning down so that his mouth was next to Kyle’s ear, Dan whispered, “Can we rub against each other? Like you did with that other bloke?” 

Kyle whined at the words before answering. “Said you only wanted kissing.” 

“That was before.” Dan kissed Kyle’s ear and lowered his body so that he was fully rested on Kyle, his legs spread but tight against the outside of Kyle's thighs. “Now I’m hard and I want to rub against you.” 

Dan waited on top of Kyle, both of them hard and pressing against one another. Dan’s mouth was near his neck now and Kyle could feel him breathing against him in short puffs of air. This was very new for them.

“Please.” Kyle whined again as he pressed up into the weight on top of him and moved his head back as he felt direct contact. Dan quickly responded back and soon he was panting against his throat. “Kiss me there.” 

Dan lost himself for a moment at how good it felt. He never had this before. The random wanks with men over the years were quick and largely unsatisfying. The time with the older man was just horrible, with Dan getting no pleasure from the experience. The random women were okay, but he was never comfortable with himself around them. 

Kissing Kyle’s neck and then sucking at a pulse point near his ear, Dan felt Kyle’s hands move to his hips and hold him down so that they were grinding against each other harder. Both were wearing thin trousers and there wasn’t much preventing them from feeling each other. 

Kyle felt himself getting closer and wanted to kiss Dan when he came. Freeing one of the hands he had on Dan’s hip, Kyle grabbed the back of Dan’s head and moved him so that he could kiss him. 

Unlike their other kisses, it didn’t start slow. Both Kyle and Dan were using their tongues as they pressed against one another. Kyle’s fingers were in Dan’s hair at the back of his head and it was enough to make him pant out his release into Kyle’s mouth. 

Feeling and hearing Dan come made Kyle want to come even more. Rubbing his tongue against Dan’s, Kyle raised his hips higher and groaned as he felt himself go. 

After a second, both continued the kiss, and the lower rubbing, but slower. 

Dan kissed Kyle’s upper lip and then rested the side of his head against Kyle’s cheek while he took time to even his breathing. There was a rush of feel good chemicals swimming through his brain and he felt happy. He hadn't felt happy in ages. He really did not know how to manage happy. 

Kyle moved his hand from Dan’s hip as he felt him relax back against him. Both of them would have to move soon before their pants started sticking to them, but he wanted to savor as much of this feeling before they moved. 

“Are you okay?” Dan asked moving his head back so he could find Kyle’s eyes. “Am I too heavy on you?” 

“No.” Kyle smiled feeling high. If not for the sticky pants, he never wanted Dan to move ever. He liked coming when he was on his back and the other person resting on top of him afterward. It was a bit strange that it was Dan, but he liked strange. 

Dan felt the fluttering in his heart again as he looked down at Kyle. He was beautiful and for some reason, Kyle wanted him. The boy he had met at uni, with the same flushed face as the man underneath him, and then pined after for years, begging him to be in his band so he would have an excuse to be around him. Now he had wet pants because of him. 

“Thank you.” Dan said grabbing Kyle’s attention. 

“Why are you thanking me?” Kyle asked with a laugh. “For blowing your mind?” 

“No.” Dan shied his eyes away. He could pant against him but he couldn’t have this conversation with him for some reason. “For taking care of me and staying with me. For loving me like this.” 

“Hey.” Kyle sighed hearing the tone in Dan’s voice. It was the same one that he used when he talked about no one showing up to gigs and no one playing their music on the radio. About needing to prepare for a backup plan because it was only a matter of time before everyone realized that they were not anything special. That he was not anything special. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m all in.” 

“You say that now.” Dan went to pull away but Kyle’s hands on his wrists stopped him. “Stop doing that!” 

“Doing what?” Kyle asked as his hands kept Dan in place. 

“Holding my wrists like that.” Dan looked down toward where Kyle’s hands were holding him and preventing him from moving. “I don’t like that. Don’t do it.” 

Kyle let his wrists go immediately and watched as Dan went to his bag. Digging through it until he found what he wanted, he went into the toilet and shut the door. Leaving Kyle to stare at the ceiling. 

Kyle took time to clean himself and change his clothes. Then he sat and waited in the chair Dan had been sitting in. Watching the clock and then the toilet door, Kyle started to worry that Dan was in there too long. 

Walking closer, he heard Dan singing into his phone and he paused. It was different than the one he heard before. This one was angrier and Dan kept repeating it over as he tried to find the right wording. 

Soon, the singing stopped and Kyle waited for the door to open. 

It didn’t. 

Knocking on the door, Kyle waited for a response but he didn’t get one. 

“Dan.” Kyle tried speaking to him. “I’m sorry. It was just that you keep, keep pulling away from me and I wanted you to stay. I shouldn’t have done that. I promise I won’t, won't do it again.” 

After a long five minutes, Dan opened the door with his eyes on the floor. “I’m going to be shit at this.” 

“Okay.” Kyle took a step closer but found that Dan took one back. “Okay, talk to me. What is going on? You are playing hot and cold with me and I don’t know what I am meant to do.” 

Dan shrugged. 

“Did you not like that?” Kyle stayed where he was, respecting that Dan was telling him to back off. "Was that too fast?" 

“I liked that.” Dan took his hand off the door. “I liked that too much.” 

“Too much?” 

Dan nodded his answer. 

“I don’t know what that means.” 

“It means that I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m going to fuck this up.” 

“So.” 

“So?” Dan looked up. Kyle stood in front of him with a neutral expression on his face. He didn't understand that Dan knew it wasn't going to work out between them. Kyle did not want someone like him. Someone that was still trying to sort out how to like himself, let alone love someone else. 

“Fuck it up. We will deal with it then.” 

“Why are you so nice to me?” 

“Because I’m in love with you.” 

“Why?”

“Why? Kyle tried to keep himself from getting cross. “Why am I in love with you? Am I not allowed to be in love with you?” 

“Why do you love me?” Dan turned his eyes down again. “Why me? You could have anyone.” 

“I tried them. I want you.” 

“But why?” 

“Because I just do, okay?” Kyle took a breath. “You are so kind and caring for everyone. You gave me a job and allowed me to share in this crazy ride with you. You are so fucking brilliant it is ridiculous but you don’t know it. You care about us as a band. You make sure we have what we need. You take time to know the crew and what is going on with them. You love everyone more than yourself. To a point that I just want to shake you until you realize how amazing you are.” 

Kyle saw that Dan was looking up but his face was still looking down. He was blushing. 

“What we just did...I have never had that neither. I have had sex with many people. I never cared about them like I care about you.” Kyle took a step closer and was relieved that Dan didn’t move back. “Please don’t shut down on me and make me go away. I don’t want that.” 

Dan took another step closer and leaned his head against Kyle’s chest. It was the side with the stitches and it hurt a bit to rest it there, but he didn’t want to move. “I’m sorry.” 

“I say this with the most love I possibly can use.” Kyle took a breath. “Stop apologizing. Please.” 

“I’m sor-.” Dan stopped himself and wrapped his arms around Kyle’s waist. “I will work on it.”


	9. Chapter 9

A bright light was turned on near his face waking him up. Groggily he asked, "What is going on?"

"We are going home." Dan was going through the room and packing loose clothing items and spare shoes into his bag.

"What time is it?" Kyle asked sitting up. They had fallen asleep again after eating another meal, both still catching up on messed sleep from the tour and stress. Looking toward the clock on the bedside table, Kyle saw 9:37. Looking through the crack in the window curtains, Kyle saw that it was dark out so it was likely still nighttime.

Watching Dan go through the fridge to grab another water and then his antibiotics lying on top of the fridge, Kyle wondered if he was still dreaming. He had been having some weird dreams as of late, which he chalked up to the stress surrounding the past few weeks. The end of tour was always the hardest bit and worrying about Dan's health had just added to the exhaustion.

"Ready?" Dan asked standing over the end of the bed with his hooded sweatshirt on and his bag, water, and the rest of his antibiotics in his hands.

"We can't just leave." Kyle sat up more and brushed a hand through his hair. Standing, he moved closer to Dan and went to reach for the bag. "You haven't been cleared yet. One more day and then we can get you checked. Then we go home."

"Kyle, my skin is crawling just sitting here." Dan moved back so that Kyle couldn't reach for the bag. "I have slept. I have drank more water than I have ever in my life. I have not had any alcohol in...I don't know, forever. I don't feel ill. I want to go home."

"No." Kyle stood his ground and watched Dan's face get red and his posture change.

"No?" Dan voice raised.

"No. I watched you collapse and be rushed to, to hospital barely three days ago and...now you want to get in a plane for hours? No. No. We are staying here and waiting until a medical doctor says that you can be in a plane for that long." Kyle voice started higher but he lowered seeing its reaction on Dan's face. He was shutting down and that was not his intention.

Allowing his bag to drop, Dan looked around the room. "I can't just sit here anymore. We are meant to be on stage right now, and as much as that is stressful, it is at least a distraction. These walls are getting smaller."

"Okay." Kyle moved closer and was happy that Dan allowed him near. Taking the water and tablets from him, and placing them on the bed, Kyle offered a compromise. "Let's go do something."

"People are out there." Dan said looking down at their feet and wrapping his arm around his waist.

"Yeah, and what private jet were you going to fly out on?" Kyle rested his hands on the top of Dan's arms. "There are people out there, but they don't have to be an issue. It has been a few days and no one knows we are here. Let's go out."

"Can't drink." Dan looked up and then away when he saw Kyle's hair all messed up. He looked way too good for just haven woken up. It wasn't fair.

"I believe we can find something to do that doesn't involve alcohol." Kyle laughed and pulled Dan closer, fully wrapping his arms around his back and swaying them while they stayed close. "We could just walk around and let off some of that nervous energy. Find somewhere to explore outside. It is not that cold here. We will take our waters and go on an adventure."

The city they were in was fairly busy for a weeknight. There were a few shops that they wandered through, but didn't stay long because Dan felt there were too many people there.

He kept his hooded sweatshirt on and had dark jeans with his glasses and a cap. Kyle was dressed similar, only with a wool cap and no glasses. They blended in well with everyone and no one seemed to care about them. It was like the majority of time they were out in public, but Dan was still nervous. 

Dan told Kyle that he was getting anxious around everyone and he wanted to go somewhere else. Walking around, they saw a sign giving direction to the lake area of the city. It was a short distance from where they were and as they came closer, they saw there was a short bridge they could walk across.

Halfway over the bridge, Dan went to the side rail and leaned his forearms against it. He had not touched anything with his hands since they left the hotel room. He had wrapped both of them back up and he was not going to risk anything contaminating them.

Looking out across the water, Dan finally felt himself relax again. There were only a few people walking across and none of them near. Even so, it felt too exposed when Kyle stood behind him and leaned his weight onto Dan's back. Kyle's chin was resting on his shoulder, watching out across the water.

"Is this okay?" Kyle asked Dan, wrapping his hands around Dan's waist. After Dan had shouted at him for holding his wrists, he wanted to make sure that Dan didn't feel trapped underneath him.

Dan took a deep breath and leaned back against Kyle. He was essentially barricaded between Kyle and the railing, but he felt fine. Getting outside and moving around had helped him feel more normal. Being so close to Kyle was still strange, but it felt nice. "Yes."

"How will this work when we are home?" Kyle felt Dan lean his weight against him more and he closed his eyes for a moment, just making a mental note of this. "Normally we all go our separate ways." 

"We should probably see our families and mates, like normal." Dan felt Kyle's hand still from the small circles it was making near his hip. "Not that we cannot see each other. Just...I dunno. We should take some time to settle back into life. We will be in the recording studio soon enough."

"Most of that is you in the beginning though." Kyle saw a man walking toward them out of the corner of his eye. He looked older and a bit rougher than the people Kyle typically associated with. For the first time in his life, he wondered if someone was going to make a comment about him. Dan and him were clearly two males and in a position that couldn't be explained any other way.

Holding his breath until he passed, Kyle realized he did not hear Dan's answer. Before he could ask him to repeat, Dan swore under his breath.

"We shouldn't be doing this here." Dan turned to face Kyle and found that Kyle had moved his hands to hold onto the rails behind him, so that Dan was boxed against the railing and Kyle's arms. "This is too open."

"I wouldn't think twice about this if you were a woman." Kyle was proud that Dan kept eye contact with him. "I am not going to censor myself because you are a man."

"I would have ruminated about this if you were a woman." Dan told himself not to look down. "I'm not comfortable with being this open...with anyone."

"Are you not comfortable right now?" Kyle asked yet didn't move away. There was pensive look on Dan's face, but he did not appear overtly uncomfortable with Kyle standing so close to him in the public area. 

"No." Dan laughed shaking his head and looking down at Kyle's chest. It hasn't their shoes so he considered it a victory still. "But I'm never really comfortable, especially with this. I never allow myself to get close to people. Not like this."

"Why?" Kyle asked gently. He never understood why Dan was so down on himself all the time. He had thought it was strange that he never had relationships over the years. The other band mates and crew members had went through different people, and some found their one trues, but Dan always seemed to be the odd man out. It never seemed to bother Dan and soon it just became the norm. Everyone just stopped questioning it.

Dan shrugged and felt a warm tingling in his chest. He wasn't really sure himself. It was easier to not be with anyone. But it was harder as well. He was quite introverted and he needed his space. He loved hanging out with his mates and then retreating back to himself. New people were harder to be around. The idea of starting a relationship with someone new was too overwhelming to think about. And how would it work? Getting to know someone meant having time to be around them. 

Kyle had always been just someone Dan liked over the years. He never imagined Kyle would ever want something with him. Kyle was too handsome and funny to be with him. And, until the last few days, he thought too straight to be with him. The fact that Kyle was even entertaining the idea of trying something with him still made Dan wonder if this all was just a fever dream. A side effect from the infection that hadn't cleared up yet despite the treatment.

And if that were true, Dan knew he was going to be devastated. 

"Hey." Kyle found Dan was getting lost in his thoughts and he tried to bring him back out. "It is okay. You don't have to answer me."

Dan found he had tears in his eyes and he hated it. He wasn't a crier, much rather preferring to hold it all inside and write a song about it. Tragedy was great for lyrics. Talking about it was harder. Being vulnerable through a song that he could pass off as inspired by someone else's tragedy was easier than opening up his own emotions.

"Will you kiss me?" Dan looked up through wet eyes and found Kyle looking back. He didn't want to hide from it anymore. He wanted to lean into it and see if he could handle it.

"Out here?" Kyle asked. "With anyone that could see us?"

"If you don't-" Dan was cut off by Kyle's lips on his.

Kyle started slowly, allowing the opportunity for Dan to push him away if he wanted. Kyle found he quite liked this openness. Dan's lips were cold but warmed up quickly. Dan's tongue was pushing through his lips and Kyle opened them to allow him access. The kiss deepened and Kyle felt Dan's hands moving up underneath the back of his hoody. He shivered feeling the cold go up his back as his shirt was moved away and his skin was exposed until Dan's hand moved to his front.

Kyle felt good, both on Dan's lips and underneath his hands. His hands moved to the front of Kyle's jeans and hesitated near the belt. He had done this with a few men over the years. Never the kissing and never this exposed, but the touching felt familiar. Men were easy to get off. It was much harder for the men to get him off though. He always stayed too much in his head to fully enjoy it. 

Feeling Dan's cold fingers start to moved underneath the waist of his jeans, Kyle stopped the kiss and Dan's hand from going further. "Whoa. Whoa, now"

Dan opened his eyes feeling Kyle pull away from him. What was he doing? They were literally out in the middle of everything. "Sorry."

"It is okay. Just I don't know if you meant to do that here." Kyle kept his hand on top of Dan's hand, with Dan's fingers still on his stomach. He looked around them quickly and then back to the flush look on Dan's face. "I'm good with doing that, but maybe not here?"

"Oh course." Dan took his hand back and found that it was trembling. Fuck. "I'm sor-"

"I know." Kyle stopped him from apologizing again. Adjusting his shirt and hoody, he ignored the tightness of his jeans. "Want to walk back now?"

"Yes." Dan had enough fresh air and he was ready to go back to their room.

They were almost to the hotel when it happened.

"Oh my gosh."

Dan heard a voice from behind him and he figured it was the group of women they just passed. Closing his eyes, he told himself to ignore them but he wasn't one to ignore someone. Turning his head, he saw that the comment was directed toward him and he stopped. Kyle stopped as well, looking at Dan before acknowledging the group of women stood on the pavement.

"Hello." Dan smiled toward them. The woman that had made the comment appeared a bit shocked that she was being acknowledged but the other ladies filled in the silence for her.

"We were there when it happened." The shortest of the group went first. "Not on the floor, but in the balcony."

"You look so much better!" A lady with brown hair went next. "You poor thing. You looked horrible that night."

"I told them that you must have been sick. I have never seen a bad performance from you." Another lady with brown hair and glasses said.

"Hi, Kyle." The last woman smiled, laughing at the awkwardness of her friend's ignoring the other man.

"Hello." Kyle smiled back. They all looked harmless and excited to just see that Dan was okay. Dan looked fine when he check in with him again, so he decided they would stay for a minute. "This one decided to go all human on us and about gave us all a heart attack."

"Oh, I bet." The woman that had spoken to Kyle responded back.

"It is true, you look so much better." The woman that was in shock before found her voice. "Why are you still here?"

"Need to be cleared by the doctor first." Dan kept his smile and forced himself to keep eye contact with everyone. Of the people he could have ran into, they all seemed relatively safe. Just concerned about him. "I see the doctor soon and hopefully they let me go home. Not that I don't like your city, but I'm getting a bit bored of the hotel room."

"What was it? What made you faint like that?" The short woman blurted out and had all of her friends turn to her and attempt to scolded her. Seeing their reaction, she apologized. "Sorry that is rude."

"No, it is fine. I had a bacteria infection for a few days that I didn't realize I had. Thought it was just regular tour exhaustion and the like. The infection went into my blood, which causes a whole series of bad things to happen." Dan shifted on his feet and told himself to breathe. He was doing okay. "Hospital gave me some powerful antibiotics and now I just need to rest. It wasn't drugs. It looked like I was overdosing on drugs, but I wasn't. The videos were awful to watch. I'm so sorry I did that to you."

"Oh my gosh, you watched the videos?" One of the brown haired woman's voice raised with the question.

"We told him to not, but curiosity got him." Kyle teased, bumping Dan's arm with his own. "He is a lot better now, as you can see. We are looking forward to going home."

"We will let you go." The shocked woman waved her hands at them signaling them to go. "Thank you for talking to us. I'm so happy you are okay."

"Thank you." Dan smiled back. "Thank you all for going to the show. Sorry I traumatized you. We will make it up to you. Even if I have to fly them all back here myself and play in the street like we used to do."

"That would be amazing, but you take time to rest." The shortest woman answered. "We are just happy you are alive and walking around."

"Do you want a picture?" Dan asked after waving goodbye and then thinking the better of it. "I should have offered sooner."

"Um, yes!" They all said at the same time.

The picture was a group shot of everyone, with Kyle using his long arm to get them all on the screen.

"Don't post it anywhere until after Friday, please." Dan requested. "I don't want the attention if people decide to come looking for me."

"We shouldn't have bothered you." One of woman said, her face falling. "We won't even post it, if you don't want." 

"No. I'm okay with a small group of people that appear genuinely concerned about me, but I don't want everyone to know where I am." Dan wrapped his arms around his waist and shifted on his feet. "I'm not used to being someone that people concern themselves with. That is weird to say. Sorry. It is just...I dunno. Not that people would be looking for me. Because I'm sure they won't, but..."

"What he means is that, that he doesn't want to be on the news again. Vocalist of a band and he hates attention, go figure." Kyle smiled toward the group of women. "Thank you again. See you soon?"

A chorus of "yes" and "goodnight" was heard and soon they were back on their way to the hotel.

"Fuck. Why can't I just stop talking?" Dan shook his head looking down at his feet as they walked. "They are going to think I'm some prat that people try to stalk." 

"No, you were great." Kyle bumped his arm again and kept up the same fast pace with Dan. "You don't need everyone knowing where you are. There are kind people like that but there are also people that get too invasive."

"Just weird to tell them not to post something like I'm one of the fucking Justins or something." Dan let out a breath and found they were at the hotel.

"The Biebs or the Thundersnake?" Kyle laughed as they walked to the lift, the lobby almost completely empty beside a very bored looking man behind the counter. 

"Fuck off." Dan found himself laughing back and it broke his sullen mood. 

The clock now read 12:50 am and they had been back in the room for the past two hours watching a film on the television. Dan was getting restless again and tapping his fingers on his thighs.

Both Kyle and Dan were sat with their backs against the headboard. Kyle's leg was touching Dan's, but otherwise they were respecting each other space. Given that they have been touching more likely, it now felt odd to not touch.

"Bored? The film is quite shit." Kyle pushed his leg against Dan's as he abandoned the film that did not appear to be going nowhere despite the schedule saying it was going to end in ten minutes. 

"I just have all this energy and nothing to do." Dan bounced his leg back against Kyle's and then turned his attention toward him. "I am the further thing from tired right now. I think I caught up on all my sleep for the next year."

"Want to go swimming?"

"Pool is closed, mate."

"Meaning that no one will bother us." Kyle smiled over and moved so that he sat on Dan's thighs, blocking his view of the comedy film. "Just you and me."

"What if they shout at us?" Dan smiled seeing Kyle sat on him. Another new thing that would have seemed weird before but now was almost expected. He was surprised that given how stick-like Kyle was, he still was a solid weight on him. "Kick us out of the hotel?"

"Then we give them a sorrow story of you almost dying and just getting out of hospital." Kyle moved himself closer, sitting directly on Dan's lap. "Tell them it was your dying wish to swim again."

"You wouldn't embarrass me like that." Dan pushed at Kyle's hands moving toward him. "Don't ever embarrass me like that."

"Trust me." Kyle moved closer yet. "I think I know your tolerance for attention directed toward you by now."

Dan took Kyle's hands in his own before Kyle could do anything with them. "I like your attention on me. Is that weird to say?"

"Nope." Kyle smiled and opened his hands so that he could grasp them around Dan's. Pushing their combined hands back against the headboard, so that they were on either side of Dan's shoulders, Kyle watched as Dan's eyes went wide. "This okay?"

Kyle's face was close to his own, waiting for his answer. Kyle's eyes were a rich colour of brown and were intently watching him. It was getting close to too much attention, and if it was anyone else Dan would have pushed him away awhile ago, but he was okay with it. "Yes." Dan whispered.

"Want to go swimming with me?" Kyle kissed Dan's nose and then his mouth, lingering there as he moved his groin against Dan's.

Kissing Kyle's bottom lip, Dan licked across it before unwrapping his hands from Kyle's and moving his hands around to Kyle's back. Copying the same movement from when they were on the bridge, Dan brushed his hands underneath Kyle's shirt and felt Kyle respond back by deepening the kiss. Each time Kyle did that, Dan's heart would beat a little faster and do a fluttering thing that made him want him even more.

Dan's hands were strong on his back, different than what he was used to with female hands. Dan did not seem to have a direction, but Kyle was happy to let him explore. His top was pushed up more and Dan's hands were at his shoulders. Kyle's arms were trapped for a minute and couldn't reach Dan's chest anymore so he reached to the bottom of his shirt and pulled it up and over his head, breaking their kiss.

Kyle now sat on top of him with a bare chest and reddened lips. His shirt had given his hair an odd shape, and his eyes appeared wider. Dan's hands ran up Kyle's stomach to his chest before moving again to his back, allowing Kyle to leaned forward again and continue their kiss.

They kissed for a few more minutes, each taking a few quick breaths in between before making contact again. Hands continued to explore their upper halves, with Kyle growing impatient with the lack of skin he could touch. 

Dan's head felt light and he was too focused on Kyle's tongue to realize that Kyle was pulling at the bottom of Dan's shirt, attempting to take it off for him.

"Wait." Kyle heard from a distance, all his attention focused on his hands on Dan and Dan's hands on him, as well was the sweet sounds Dan made each time he reach a certain spot in his mouth. Stopping his hands, Kyle sat back and took in the sight of Dan. He looked flush and he was breathing heavy. He prided himself that he had made Dan lose himself enough to enjoy it. "What is it?"

"I dunno." Dan ran his hand through his hair and looked down to where Kyle sat on top of them. They were both responding to all the contact, with Kyle's jeans pressed hard against him. It felt too fast though. It was one thing to rub against one another but taking off clothes was a step he didn't know if he wanted yet. "Can we pause for a minute?"

"Yes. Yes. Of course." Kyle sat back further so that he was only sitting on Dan's thighs. He ran his hands through his own hair and took another deep breath. "Got a bit carried away there, didn't we?"

"I want this...eventually." Dan watched as Kyle's chest moved with his breathing. He had around twenty hairs spaced out across his chest and Dan now knew they were as soft as Kyle's beard. "Just not right now."

"Is it the shirt thing?" Kyle asked, finally feeling like he was breathing normally again. Kyle couldn't remember a time he had seen Dan comfortable with his shirt off. 

"It is everything." Dan pushed down his shirt unconsciously as he gave his answer. "I don't want this to just be about that. About sex. I am not ready for sex. Especially with you."

"Especially with me?" Kyle asked curious.

"I have liked you for years. Properly loved you for a bit less than that." Dan spoke down to his arms wrapped around his stomach. "I don't want you...I dunno."

"Say it." Kyle closed his eyes. There they were again. So close to have a conversation about this and Dan pulling back again. "Whatever it is, please just say it. I want to know."

"To be disappointed?" Dan voice was low and unsure. God he hated this. Insecurities from the past he never fully dealt with because he never had to and now they were just there in front of him holding him back.

"Disappointed?" Kyle questioned. He didn't get a response so he waited and then tried again. "I will never be disappointed in anything that you do, as long as you are honest with me."

"You don't know that." Dan looked up quickly and then his attention was back down on his shirt. "Can we go swimming now?"

"As long as you tell me eventually what this is." Kyle waited for acknowledgement and saw Dan give a small nod. "Trust me."

"I'm trying." Dan looked up again and then watched as Kyle moved off him. He was walking a bit stiff and he blushed realizing why. "I didn't mean to tease you. I keep getting you hard and then stopping."

"I'm fine." Kyle smiled and reached his hand down to help Dan up off the bed. "I've been teased many times in my life and lived to tell the tale."

"Thank you." Dan said randomly once they were both changed over into their swim suits.

Both still had their shirts on from before and Kyle knew that Dan would likely keep it on now if he went into the pool with him. They had spoken too much about it and now it was likely a thing in Dan's head that he would obsess about in length. 

"Not that you need to thank me, but you are welcome." Kyle made a show of looking down the hallway and then pulled Dan along as if they were sneaking already. "Now be quiet. Don't want to get caught."


	10. Chapter 10

The pool was freezing.

"You alright over there?" Kyle laughed as Dan's head was seen floating in the deep end. Kyle heard him curse and could see that he was shaking from the cold. "Your doctors probably won't appreciate you freezing to death after they put in all that work to save you."

"Have we reached the point where we can kid about it?" Dan paddled his arms through the water to get near the middle where Kyle was floating. His head and shoulders were outside the water. Kyle was shaking from the cold as well. "Maybe wait until the blood draw clears me before we kid about my possible death."

"You worried they are going to find something?" Kyle swam around Dan, taking Dan's hands and pulling him closer to him.

"Yes." Dan was being pulled to twirl with Kyle but he stopped Kyle from moving him, not wanting to get dizzy. "They could still find something. And then I will have to stay here forever."

"A bit dramatic, innit?" Kyle moved closer and put his hands at Dan's waist. He quite liked the new touching aspect of their relationship, and the added bonus that it allowed them to share body heat.

"Could happen." Dan looked down to Kyle's hands on his bare waist and lost his thought. He wanted to tell him that if he didn't worry about it, something bad might happen. So it was much better to worry about it to make it not happen then to be optimistic and be blindsided when it did happen. The antibiotic could not be working. Or the infection could have "hid" somewhere in his body. Dan had read on his phone that infections liked to do that.

"You still with me?" Kyle moved his hand to Dan's back and pulled him closer yet, so that their noses were almost brushing. Dan looked scattered. "Get lost in that scary head of yours again?"

Dan stopped thinking about Kyle's hand on his skin and found that Kyle was now very close to him. Kyle's eyes were watching his face and appeared to be looking at his lips. Whatever was happening between them appeared to be increasing in intensity because Dan found all he wanted to think about was how it felt when Kyle's lips were on him. How his heart fluttered and his breath was taken from him. Unlike the anxiety and nerves, he found he quite liked it when he experienced it.

"Your lips are pretty." Kyle had wet hair and his beard was shining in the low lights of the pool area. Dan shortened the distance between them and kissed him. Kyle kissed him back and Dan forgot to worry about Kyle's hand moving along his back, pulling him in even closer. He could feel his chest against his own now and he found he quite liked that as well.

Kyle liked how brave Dan was becoming and he ignored the thought he had in his own head about them kissing in a pool that was essentially forbidden. The door to the pool had been unlocked, and while the lights were dim, there was nothing preventing them from swimming past the posted pool hours. Anyone could walk past the door and see them swimming. Or kissing as it were.

Kyle's legs were moving against his as they both kicked their feet to stay floating. Dan wanted more solid ground so he swam them back until both could touch the ground. The water reached up to their chests now, exposing what they were doing to anyone that wanted to walk in. Dan's hands were pulling at the skin on Kyle's back, trying to get him even closer than they were.

Kyle felt one of Dan's hand lower on his back and tease around the waist of his swim trunks. Dan's fingers brushed along the soft skin of his lower back and then his hand was on his stomach. Much like when they were on the bridge, Dan's hand was attempting to find its away toward his cock.

Dan loved how soft Kyle's skin was and how he made Kyle moan just by pressing his hand against the hairs leading down toward Kyle's cock. Dan had done this with men before and they had always liked it. He liked the feel of them in his hand.

Feeling Kyle's body against him and his fingers almost reaching the place that would be taking this further, Dan was scared at how much he wanted more. Dan's fingers brushed against the top of Kyle's hard cock and then he quickly moved his hands to Kyle's hips and pushed him away. Creating a distance between them, Dan stood back to catch his breath.

"You okay?" Kyle asked, trying to catch his own breath. His heart was beating faster than normal and he could no longer feel the cold of the water. Dan was struggling to catch his breath in front of him and he looked even more scattered than before he touched him. Dan had water dripping down his chest and it made Kyle even harder.

"Fine." Dan turned away from Kyle and walked to the edge to get out of the water. He found the stack of towels they had moved from the shelf near the door and wrapped two around him. He sat in a tall chair near the pool and lowered his head down. His hair fell down and was dripping near his feet.

Kyle copied Dan and sat down next to him, waiting for Dan to say something. Wrapping his own towel tighter around his shoulders and chest, Kyle pushed his foot against Dan's. "Talk to me."

Dan brushed his hair back with his hand and sat back looking down to both of his hands. The sores were redder than they had been but it was due to the rest of his skin being paler from the cold water. Touching the deepest sore with the tip of his finger, Dan found that it no longer hurt.

"Hey." Kyle bumped his foot again and waited for a response, yet still received none. Dan appeared too transfixed on his hand to hear him. "Dan?"

"Yeah." Dan looked up and found Kyle looking at him strangely. "What?"

"What just happened there?" Kyle looked toward Dan's hand and then back to Dan's face. "You blanked on me."

"I dunno." Dan abandoned his hand to wrapped the towels tighter around him. His stomach was exposed near his swim trunks and he wondered if Kyle noticed. He felt tired behind his eyes and his head was starting to hurt from all the different thoughts moving through his mind.

"You feel okay? Like, physically, I mean." Kyle was getting concerned. Maybe swimming in the cold water was not a good idea given he had just been released from the hospital.

"I feel a bit floaty. Like my thoughts are not quite connected to my body." Dan looked toward Kyle, he looked really worried. Yet amazing. He looked good wet and his neck somewhat flush. "What?"

"I was kidding earlier." Kyle moved his chair closer and rested his hands on Dan's knees. "Don't die on me."

Dan shook his head at the absurdity of Kyle's concern. He had been dealing with conflicting thoughts for the majority of his life. Wanting something and being terrified of it at the same time. He pushed through the cognitive dissonance of wanting to make music and share it with people yet also wanting to hide from it at the same time. He fought through the thoughts of wanting to go to university yet also being terrified at meeting new people. He made a choice about the weight even though it was a shield from the world. He went home with that man because he wanted some human connection even though his brain was screaming at him that it was a bad idea.

Maybe this was a bad idea as well. His brain was telling him to be cautious.

Not only would he lose one his best mates if it fell through, he would also lose a member of their band. Or, the whole music thing really, because how could he continue on knowing that he ruined it?

The questions they would have...he already found some of them too invasive. He had mastered the art of diverting the questions, but there would be no distracting from the fact they were down one founding member. And even if they never said anything about it, Dan would worry about it during every interview. No, it was stupid and it wouldn't work.

Or, maybe it was just like people showing up to gigs, maybe if he didn't worry about it, it might actually happen. Or, maybe that is just how his brain worked.

"Let's go back to the room." Dan stood and waited for Kyle before gathering their shirts and going back upstairs.

There was no one on their way upstairs.

Dan went into the bathroom to shower and then changed into new clothes. Kyle went in afterwards and changed as well.

"We sleeping in the same bed?" Kyle asked, fresh from the shower and brushing his teeth. He stood near the bed Dan was lying on, his phone in his hand.

"You don't have to if you don't want to." Dan looked up over the phone.

"I didn't know if you wanted to." Kyle shrugged his shoulders and reached for his own phone. Lying on the opposite side of the bed, Kyle found there were new Twitter notifications from their account. It was Dan stating how glad he was that he could finally go home soon. "You believe that? That they were going to let you go home?"

"No." Dan turned on his side, facing Kyle. "I don't want to worry them more."

"So you can worry yourself but not others?" Kyle closed his phone and put it on the table. He turned the light off next and laid back down, looking at the ceiling. He didn't get an answer and figured that he wasn't going to with whatever Dan was going through.

A few minutes later, Kyle felt Dan moving closer to him and hovering over him before leaning his head down and resting it on his shoulder. Dan's arm moved across his stomach next, anchoring him to the bed. He felt something wet through his shirt and then Dan raised his arm to wipe at his face. Dan didn't cry often. He remembered only a few occasions where he had seen him tear up. Most of them related to his mother.

"I...can't let myself believe this will last." Dan tucked his arm back around Kyle and turned more into him. "Because if I do, and it doesn't, it is going to be bad. Very bad for me. Not that I'm putting pressure on you."

"I don't know if this is going to last, but I'm willing to try to make it last." Kyle brushed his hand through Dan's hair and felt Dan's whole body shudder against him. He was never going to get tired of that. "I want it to last."

"Can't want things." Dan said before he thought better of it.

"Explain." Kyle kept the even movement on Dan's head.

"Have to worry or they will actually happen." Dan sighed at the touch, forgetting he wasn't suppose to share his secret.

"Sounds like a bully inside your head telling you lies."

"Maybe. It has worked so far."

"Or, maybe it would have worked even if you didn't worry about it."

"Brain doesn't work that way, mate."

"Okay. I will let you get away with that for now."

The next day, they woke much later, having stayed up until around 4 am the night before. After getting themselves together, they ventured out to find food and something to fill the rest of the day.

A walk through a music shop and then a film in a theatre brought them to dinner and then going back to the hotel room. There was not much on television, so they phoned home to share that they hoped to leave the next day. The flight had been booked a few days ago in hopes that the doctors would clear him to go. Kyle texted both Will and Woody and found that they were very much enjoying their time at home.

Now it was later in the evening, they were all packed and left without anything to do.

"Want to go swimming again?" Kyle asked as he lounged on the chair in the room, his neck resting on the low back of the chair and his long legs sprawled out in front of him.

"Nah." Dan shook his head as he looked out the window. The lights of the city were creating a soft glow on the buildings. As much as the view was nice, he was looking forward to not having to be forced to watch it much longer.

"It was nice." Kyle turned in the chair, moving his leg so that it brushed along Dan's calf. "It was sexy. Us kissing in the water. You look good wet."

"Fuck off." Dan looked down to Kyle's foot on him and moved his own leg to push it off. He wasn't any of those things. Kyle was, yes, but not him.

"Listen, I have been thinking." Kyle stood so that he could stand behind Dan. Wrapping his hands around his waist and grasping his hands together against his stomach, Kyle smiled at how natural the stance was now. And how Dan seemed completely comfortable with Kyle's weight on his back. "Maybe we could do more."

"More?" Dan asked, the word drawn out slowly. He wasn't sure if he was ready for more. No, he was fairly positive he was not ready for more. And what was more? No, he quite liked what they had and he was not going to mess with that. He would panic or do something stupid and it would all go away and then he would be felt alone again. He was tired of being alone.

"Yeah, tell our family. The rest of our friends." Kyle smiled against Dan's neck. He knew he was teasing him, but he liked how he could get a reaction out of him. "What are your thoughts about that?"

"Sure, you can." Dan covered Kyle's hands and looked over so he could see the top of Kyle's head. "I'm not going to tell my family though."

"Okay." Kyle bit at the skin on Dan's neck and found it had an immediate effect on him. Dan's body appeared to hum underneath him.

"You are not upset?" Dan closed his eyes and leaned back against Kyle. His thoughts were getting fuzzy again and he wondered if Kyle knew how much control he had over him now. How he could literally break him down into millions of pieces if he chose to end the flirtation and the touches.

"It is your decision." Kyle kissed the spot he just bit and found Dan quite liked that as well, considering the soft sound he made. "My mum is going to be chuffed that it is you. Apparently, I talk too much about you when I'm home so they tease me about it."

"You do not." Dan opened his eyes and turned so that he could see Kyle. "You are lying."

"No, honest truth." Kyle saw a range of emotions run across Dan's face. He looked pleased but also panicked, and yet still a bit unsure. "My sister said that I needed to do something about it before we have family dinner again because she was sick of hearing about how amazing you are if I was not going to do something about it. She was the one that told me to end things with my girlfriend."

"Stop it." Dan tried to push him away, but Kyle kept an even hold on his waists. Dan looked to Kyle's hands on his wrists and Kyle released them.

"Sorry." Kyle shook his head and stepped back, allowing Dan to have some space. "I don't know why I keep doing that. I'm trying to not. I guess I'm trying to keep you from leaving."

"I don't like being vulnerable. Like, really, _really_ don't like being vulnerable. I think you figured that out over the years." Dan blurted out from his spot still near the window. He kept his eyes on Kyle as Kyle sat on the bed in front of him. "I feel like an open wound around you. I'm trying to get more comfortable with this, but it is not natural for me. I don't trust myself. I want to trust you, but I need time. When you hold me down like that, I feel even more stuck and it scares the hell out of me. But I don't want you to go neither."

Kyle saw there was a deep red blush creeping up Dan's neck and his hands were trembling, with Dan losing the fight to keep them at his sides and wrapping them tight around his waist. "I hope you realize that I feel really vulnerable with all this as well. I mean...it is you! I have everything to lose if this goes sour. I think I'm a bit more comfortable opening myself up to this than you are, which from what I have learned about you, I understand. Tell me if I do something you don't like, but please realize that I'm trying to figure this out as well."

Dan lost the fight with eye contact and he looked away. Nodding his head, he let out the breath he had been holding. "Okay."

Letting the silence fill the room, Kyle laid back further on the bed so that he was lying the correct way and he could stretch out. He really hoped that they would be able to leave after the morning doctor appointment. Their flight would leave around three in the afternoon if Dan was cleared. As much as he loved that they were finally talking about it, the past week had been draining. He didn't know what it would look like once they were home and had to deal with real life again, but Kyle hoped that with time things would even themselves out.

Complete alone time with no obligations had its advantages though.

Such as Dan feeling comfortable to follow him onto the bed and stretch himself along his body. How Dan could fidget with his shirt or hand without thinking about it.

Tracing a ring on Kyle's finger, Dan pushed his head further into Kyle's shoulder and closed his eyes. He was tired again and wanted to sleep. He wanted to go home but he also wanted to savor this moment because it would be one of their last before going home. If the doctors cleared him. His brain was still telling him he needed to worry about it to prevent it from happening, but that worry was getting quieter and quieter as he traced the cold ring and focused on Kyle's chest moving up and down as he breathed.

They both fell asleep soon afterward, with early morning hitting them both hard.

"Hungry?" Kyle asked handing over the last of the snacks.

"Can I eat?" Dan turned his head to look at Kyle. "Did they say I could eat? Or was I to fast?"

"They said you could eat." Kyle handed over his last tablet with the granola bar. "Last antibiotic as well. Woohoo."

"Let's hope they did their job." Dan swallowed it with water and then finished the breakfast bar. "Ready to go? Feels presumptuous to bring the bags."

"If we don't bring the bags, we will have to check them in downstairs and then just have to come back to get them." 

"We shouldn't check out...not if we will still need the room." Dan reached for his sweatshirt. Zipping it up, he found Kyle looking at him. "What?"

"We are already checked out. We just don't have to be out of the room for another hour." Kyle gathered up his hoody and put it on. "We are not coming back here, mate."

"What if they say I can't go?" Dan looked between his bag and Kyle, and then back.

"How do you feel?" Kyle picked up Dan's bag and handed it to him. "You are better. Now take your own damn bag because I am not your servant."

They took a taxi to the hospital and awkwardly walked through the halls with their bags. Most of their things were already at home, having been shipped home when the others had left. They only had what they needed to cover the last few days there.

Dan had an appointment so they did not have to wait long. Kyle waited with their things and within a half an hour, Dan was walking back out.

"Said they needed to wait for the results. They have to send it to the lab, just that they asked for a rush." Dan sat down in the chair he had been in before he went back. "Said it would be around two hours though."

"So we wait?" Kyle asked. "Or can we go somewhere?"

"Where?" Dan fidgeted with the zip on his sweatshirt. "Been everywhere here." 

"I guess we don't really have anyplace to go, huh?" Kyle laughed. Taking out his phone he saw there were a few messages asking if they were leaving today. "Keep having people ask if I'm coming home yet."

"We too." Dan took out his phone and looked through his messages. Switching over to Twitter, he found there was a mess of encouraging tweets wishing him well and asking for updates. "What do I tell them?"

Kyle looked over to see Dan holding out his phone with the mess of Twitter messages filling their account. "I dunno. I guess wait?"

"It is really embarrassing that they even know it happened." Dan closed the app and turned off his phone. "We have requests for interviews. The record company asked if I was willing to sit with anyone when we get back."

"Are you?" Kyle finished a message to his mum and put his phone away.

"Not by myself." Dan went back to fidgeting with his zip. There was a loose string near the bottom that was distracting enough to pull on. "Want interviews to be about the music, not me."

"Are they really separate things?" Kyle watched the reaction his question got and remembered how nervous Dan was in the beginning when interviews were starting. He had their management team hand over a list of forbidden questions and then worried that it made him seem like a pompous star. Management assured him that everyone had their own list of limits, but he still felt strange even assuming that they would ask the questions.

"This is, yes." Dan let out a quick breath and stood. "We need to walk around or something because I cannot just sit here."

Dan told the receptionist at the desk that they were stepping out but to call when he needed to return. They wouldn't go far.

They found an empty part of the hospital that was meant for a chapel and sat inside. Dan had an idea for a song and he wanted to get it into the phone without too many people watching him.

After hearing Dan sing it through a few times, Kyle started singing the lower part of the melody without thinking about it. He got the attention of Dan with his singing and he stopped, thinking he did something wrong.

Dan closed the file and asked why he stopped.

"I wasn't thinking, but sang it." Kyle shrugged his shoulders. "Sorry."

"You have a great voice." Dan slid closer on the bench they were sat at and smiled toward him. "You should take the lead and I can switch to the background. Finally give everyone a break from my annoying voice."

"No, no." Kyle blushed and looked away from the bright smile on Dan's face. He was fine in the background and Dan being front and center. He would likely be just as nervous as Dan if he had to take the lead. He was impressed that as much as Dan fussed about singing in front of everyone, even when the nerves were so bad he was shaking, he powered through the performance. "That is your spot. Your songs. Your words. Your voice."

"Maybe I don't want to always sing." Dan went back to his phone and looked through how many files they had now. He was anxious to get time in the studio and start really turning them into proper tracks. Going back to the last one, he played it for them both and isolated his attention on Kyle's voice. "You have the best voice of all of us, I hope you realize that. It is very rich, with a lot of low tones."

"Stop it." Kyle felt himself blush more at the praise. Taking Dan's phone from him, he leaned his head down on Dan's shoulder and took a minute to allow the redness to fade.

"Did I make you shy?" Dan grinned to himself. He was not used to being on this end of the relationship. "I did, didn't I?"

"It is a nice compliment and I will take it. But yes, it is weird to hear someone talk about that. I play the keys and synth. I have no desire to be the main act." Kyle took his head back up and looked to see that Dan was still quite pleased with himself.

"Honestly, me neither." Dan leaned forward without thinking and kissed him. It was chaste and quick, but it was the first one he had given without thinking about it first. He didn't care where they were or who was going to see. He wanted to so he did.

"There goes this whole second album then." Kyle laughed and smiled. Dan had been brave and he wasn't going to ruin it by mentioning it. "You ready for a second one?"

"Yes. I have all the ideas just waiting to get out of my head. Some recordings to mess with. I have some ideas to make it a bit different than the first one. One is that I'm going to use you guys to fill in more of the sound and probably bring in more live instruments. More strings and maybe some guitar?"

"What? Your mortal enemy?"

"I didn't say I don't like it, but I don't know how to play it so how could I have added to the last album?"

"I know, I'm just teasing." Kyle turned so he was sitting on one of his legs and he could face Dan. "You are excited about this next one."

"Oh course. Who would have thought we would get to do another one?" Dan's face lit up. "Dead terrified that no one is going to like it, but happy to be able to make it."

"They will like it. It is coming from your brain, so it will be good. I already love these ones you are sharing with me." Kyle's smile fell when Dan's phone started to ring.

"Time to face reality." Dan answered the phone and told them he would be right there.

There was a doctor waiting for them when they returned. Entering into a side waiting room similar to the one downstairs near the ER, the doctor told them Dan was cleared to go home and that he needed to continue to give his body time to rest. And to have an appointment with his provider at home within the next few weeks.

Dan contained his excitement until they were in the vehicle on the way to the airport. Then he smacked Kyle on the arm and started laughing.

"You loon, what are you laughing for?" Kyle asked ignoring the odd look the driver was giving them.

"I really thought we were going to have to stay. And that they would have said something was wrong." Dan took a breath and contained his laughter. Looking toward Kyle, he let out one last laugh. "Fuck, and we are together. Like properly together. And there is going to be another album. This isn't my life."

"But it is." Kyle took Dan's hand and joined in on his good mood.

"If this were a film, there would be some dramatic plot twist right about now." Dan looked toward their joined hands and found that he liked the look of his hand in Kyle's. It was something simple but it was a strong statement.

"Oh, don't bring that up. There is still the possibility that our flight is delayed...or canceled. Or that we are sat next to someone that just wants to talk about how much they hate flying. Oh wait, that is going to be you sat next to me for the whole flight." Kyle grinned. "And now, you have to talk me through it because you love me."

"I have always talked you through it before." Dan looked up at him and laughed. "Not that much different, really."

"Yeah, but now, if I get too freaked out, you can..." Kyle looked toward the driver and found that the man was paying too much attention to their conversation. "I'll tell you later."

Dan leaned forward and whispered into his ear, "I have a list of ways to distract you, but I can't do them on a plane."

"Cheeky bastard." Kyle shook his head as Dan pulled back.

Adding to the good luck of the day, their flight was on time and there were no unusual occurrences leading up to getting onto the plane. They were sat toward the back of the plane and the seat next to them was miraculously empty.

Kyle had went completely pale once the overhead lights were dimmed and the plane started moving, but he took Dan's hand and squeezed it tight. The groan of pain Dan made distracted him for a minute, until he heard Dan whispering into his ear. It was going to be a long flight but he was happy that he had Dan to distract him from it all.

End Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pause. More to continue soon.


End file.
